[Verse 1]
Got to the bottom of the staircase, thought I'd hear some screams
Maybe CCR, maybe Cash, maybe "Highway to Hell" on repeat
Instead I walked into a dive bar with the lights all dim and red
And a jukebox in the corner playin' songs I wish were dead
[Chorus]
The devil's got a lousy jukebox
Three songs and that's your lot
Track one is "Achy Breaky Heart"
Track two is "What's New Pussycat?"
Track three is just a recording
Of someone scrapin' a chair
I asked him for some Waylon
He said "best I can do is 'Weird Al' — and not the good years"
[Verse 2]
I put in a complaint form, took it to the desk
The demon there just shrugged at me and said "that's everyone's request"
Said the devil bought the jukebox at an auction back in '99
Said it came from a Applebee's that went out of business right on time
[Chorus]
The devil's got a lousy jukebox
Three songs and that's your lot
Track one is "Achy Breaky Heart"
Track two is "What's New Pussycat?"
Track three is just a recording
Of someone scrapin' a chair
I asked him for some Waylon
He said "best I can do is 'Weird Al' — and not the good years"
[Bridge — spoken, exasperated]
I died for this.
I died — went through the whole light tunnel, the whole life-flashing-before-my-eyes business —
I stepped on a rake, fell down a well, got eaten by a skag with a sinus problem —
And for what?
[jukebox audibly flips to "Achy Breaky Heart" again]
...for that?
[Instrumental break — a lone piano playing "Achy Breaky Heart" slowly, sarcastically, like it's mocking him]
[Outro — sung, defeated but still grinning]
The devil's got a lousy jukebox
But I guess it's free to play
And hell's a lot like Pandora
Just a different shade of gray
So I'll sit here at the sticky bar
And order one more round
And pretend I'm not already
The saddest man in town
[spoken, under his breath:]
...someone put a quarter in. Please.
[the jukebox clicks. "What's New Pussycat" starts. He sighs. Fade to black.]
AsheTheHyena
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