Promises and Pain

I get so excited hearing chimes on my phone

(I carry it less now that I'm not alone.)

When I realize it's ringing I dash for my room

Remembering your promise to call me quite soon.

But it's not you. It hasn't been, promises or not.

I dream that you're busy and simply forgot.

My eyes glisten over: I see you and the girls...

Another grandchild to love with smiles and soft curls...

But only through Facebook can I follow your life...

I don't know of your plans - will she be your wife?

I'm sure I deserve this, being tossed from your heart

But I believed in your promise to make a fresh start.

I'm confused and quite baffled; heartbroken as well.

I know that quite often I put you through hell

With decisions and choices that all seemed so wrong.

But I make no excuses. I sing no sad song.

I should have known better - been stronger - did more-

But I can't turn the clock to way back to before

My decisions impacted more than just me

I can't comprehend how I just couldn't see.

Perhaps I believed that our love was so strong

That you would forgive me for what I did wrong.

I won't make excuses or try to explain

All the trouble I caused, and of course, all the pain.

But I will say I'm sorry and beg you to forgive

And try to move forward from the pain that you lived.

And especially I beg that you understand

None of the pain that I caused you was planned.

I am your Mommy - I always will be!

Please give me the chance to help you to see

That through all the shit of years that have passed

My encompassing love is all that should last.

Please know I'll never dismiss all your pain.

I just pray that my Baby will love me again!