They Will Always see Me This Way

I was a fat little kid that sat in the back of class

Shy, introvert, too scared to raise my hand and ask

So I kept it quiet, so I kept it low

But all of this hate swirled in my head, try not to let it show

I’m an I.N.F.J., personality, the rarest of breeds

Strategically sharp as a blade it’s how I feed

But A.D.H.D fractures my focus to a million different parts

So I Smoke just to silence the war in my heart

I light it up to write, to live, to breathe, to feel

Tryna make art outta scars that won’t ever fucking heal

They’ll always see me in that addict way

Thief, liar, the black sheep who strayed

Drugged-out shell, lost in name

Paid the cost, still wear the blame

And no matter what I do or say

My family and friends will always see me that way

I hate what the drugs did to my name

Family lookin’ like I’m still the same

I took their peace, I broke their trust

Me and the drugs — it was a insatiable lust

I still ain’t that monster — that version of me died

But the ghost still lingers behind my eyes

Lie, cheat, steal — that’s all they will ever recall

No second chance, it’s just one hell of a long fall

“They judge the book by its cover, story never told

My book is now closed, unread and gone cold

Not one of them has ever asked me why

They just give me that look — like, “why don’t you hurry up and die?”

They’ll always see me that way

Junkie, failure, runaway

I’ve changed, I’ve climbed, I’ve bled

But I still hear the words they never said

No matter how clean I stay

They’ll always see me that way

I hate how I breathe in shame

Even now, I still feel the blame

Tryna build on a cracked foundation

Still haunted by my own reputation

“Listen to this, okay”

“To Maria…

You’re my everything — but I fade away

Tunnel vision grabs me and pulls me astray

I get lost in thoughts, in work, in smoke

And you’re right there, but I don’t even show

I’m in the next room, but a million miles gone

And you’re left lonely, trying to hold on

I hate that I need the weed to find peace

You hate the smell, but it’s my only release

You gave me patience, loyalty, grace

And I gave you silence, an empty space”

Then was the time I was high at my grandma’s funeral

I Wrecked my car — yeah, it was fucking brutal

Later I fell into her casket, shame on my mind

Since then, some of the family haven’t been so kind

My whole fucking life, snorting drugs in gas station stalls

Hijacking medicine cabinets, stealing it all

Schizophrenic pills & painkillers too

There were so many nights I thought I’d see Jesus real soon

I wasn’t born broken

I broke on the way

So if I gotta own it

I’ll carry that Scarlet letter today

And if you remember anything I say…

To my family, I’m so sorry — I fail you each day