I didn’t try to fix things. Not as quickly as I should have.
I didn’t… or I wouldn’t… since I didn’t think I could have.
I never made a stable home, despite where I was living.
I expected and accepted naught, yet tried to keep on giving.
Somewhere in my childhood, I completely lost all hope.
It took me years to comprehend my life was not a joke.
I tried to speak when I was young – tell others how I felt.
I never fully realized that’s how my cards were dealt.
I often whined like any kid “I know Mom loves you more!”
Never believed, completely unseen, more broken than before.
I didn’t learn how to stand and make myself be heard…
Shut down, I lost my faith in my own spoken word.
Yet living inside memories meant walking through life dead -
That ugliness consumed my every thought within my head!
Not sure when my complaining stopped. Still, I knew the truth.
Constantly I felt the grief of struggles from my youth.
If every day I search that book of challenges from my past
Whatever pain I struggled with has no choice but to last.
After 50 years, I FINALLY seemed to get my head on straight.
But sadly, all that time it took, my kids just had to wait.
I made the choice to comprehend I can’t redo my past..
While also understanding scars are deep and often last.
Each day I woke with my own pain buried deep inside me.
The PAST won’t change: it’s ME who must! Those struggles won’t define me!
So very soon, my heart released! I no longer had to care!
My perceptions, whether right or wrong, just made me more aware -
No longer searching for old blame… Is it Nature? Nurture? Both?
Freedom means I must set free the ugliness that I loathe.
Low self-esteem, lost sense of worth, my heart was brick-encased.
Sure, I wished in younger days, those demons had been faced.
Still life can go amazingly right – at times, bring floods of tears…
If I don’t choose to heal myself– bad days turn into years.
We need to pause when reality screams, reminding us of our pain
Remember there was also joy and love that will remain.
The truth is what we’ve always heard: children learn whatever they live…
But wise souls learn what NOT to take, and precisely what to give!
They break the horrible, harmful chains that held them so far down …
At the time, too young to effectively fight, preparing themselves to drown.
But they DIDN’T drown, staying afloat, they held tight to each other -
When all they ever needed was a strong, supportive mother.
Psychedelic_Sun
