Punch

. “Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.”

. “I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.” “Lead me not into temptation. I know the way.”

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord.”

“Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”

“My silence doesn’t mean I agree with you. It’s just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless.”

“You’re everything I want in someone I don’t want anymore.”

If they act like they can live without you… Help them do it.”. “Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”

“Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.”

Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”

. “You play the victim. I’ll play the

disinterested bystander.”. “Right

before I die I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the

cremation a bit more interesting.”

. “If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.”

Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn’t have to end at work.”. “The

stuff you heard about me is a lie. I’m way worse.”

. “Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”

“Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.”

“I’ve birthed an entire baby in less time than it takes my husband to poop.”