Luck

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

. “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” Patrick Murray

. “I’m starting to think my purpose in life is to serve as a cautionary tale to others.” “People need to start

appreciating the effort I put in to not be a serial killer.”

“You were my cup of tea, but I drink champagne now.”

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”“I love being me. It pisses off all the right people.”

“When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in peoples’ eyes.”

. “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Apparently rock bottom has a basement.”Autocorrect still thinks I want to say ‘duck’ 12 times a day.”

“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”

“Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other

planets? I’d be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first.”

. “Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”

“People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it’s not out

of my way at all.”nstead of ‘have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘have

the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out.”My boss said I

intimidate my co-workers. I stared at him until he apologized.”

“Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.”

. “It’s amazing how clean my house can get when I’m pissed off.”I was

asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently ‘a way out’ wasn’t the right answer.”

“Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.”