[Intro – Spoken. The whole song should sound like a guy who smoked a joint and is vibing]
Okay, so like… this isn’t even my fault.
I thought it was CrossFit.
They said “join the circle,” I thought it was yoga.
Turns out, it was a blood oath.
Anyway…
⸻
[Verse 1 - spoken]
Woke up on a Tuesday, needed cardio,
Google said “community meetup – let’s go!”
Showed up late, they were wearin’ all white,
I said, “This SoulCycle class got a vibe tonight.”
Dude named Sage offered me a cloak,
Told me, “Release your earthly desires and the yoke.”
I thought yo, he’s deep, like this man’s got quotes,
But then Brenda pulled out a goat.
A live one. With a name tag.
(“Its name was Dave.”)
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[Chorus]
🎶 I accidentally joined a cult, now I’m gettin’ promoted,
Did a trust fall, now I’m spiritually bloated.
We chant at dawn, I get snacks on demand,
And somehow, they let me lead the marching band.
I dunno man… I’m just sayin’…
I’m thrivin’. 🎶
⸻
[Verse 2- spoken]
Next thing I know, I’m on a farm,
Wearing linen pants and raisin’ alpacas with charm.
We make our own toothpaste from bark and vibes,
And somehow my credit score took a nosedive.
We don’t believe in clocks, or forks, or debt,
We eat with spoons, but not spoons you’d expect.
Like metaphorical spoons. Emotional spoons.
Like… I’m tired, Brenda. I’m out of spoons.
But I’m also in charge of Tuesday’s vision board.
Which is mostly just photos of Jason Momoa and grapes.
⸻
[Bridge – Spoken + Singing]
At first I was like, “This is sketch.”
Then I got a promotion and now they call me “Supreme Fetch.”
(That’s real. They voted. Unanimously.)
🎶 I got a crystal that glows when I lie,
They say it’s connected to the WiFi in the sky.
We had a bake sale, raised money for the moon,
Bought a telescope and renamed it Bethany. 🎶
⸻
[Chorus – Big Final Chorus]
🎶 I accidentally joined a cult, and I’m kinda the boss now,
I got three robes and an emotional support cow.
We hum at rocks, we nap in shifts,
Our healthcare plan includes essential oils and gifs.
No regrets. Just vibes.
And slightly concerning bylaws. 🎶
⸻
[Outro – Spoken]
Anyway, my mom says I need to come home.
But like… we just built a labyrinth.
And tomorrow’s the group scream.
So… priorities, you know?
FastLane
