PTSD

Whenever I’m alone, I’m forced to deal with the thoughts, all on my own

I reckon with the idea that I feel so empty, knowing the intrusive thoughts are always out to get me

I don’t talk about it most days, in hopes that maybe one day they’ll go away

The pain that I’ve endured, is far more deeper, than I’ve led on

I try to find it in myself to feel, because it’s been so long

I pretend, hoping to amend, my broken heart

This life was given to me with reason,

I’ve been broken during almost every season.. of my life

How can you be happy when all you’ve known was grief and sadness?

All I know is how to fade into the blackness

Maybe one day I’ll wake up, and this will all be some twisted dream

Maybe love will finally accept me,

Rather than chew me up, spit me out, and reject me

I didn’t always get hugs and kisses

But rather with anger and fists

The idea of love has always terrified me

I freeze up, my mind goes blank

The recollections of what I’ve known love to be, wakes up everything in me

When you get treated a certain way, for a long period of time

you start to believe you deserve it

You’ll never truly feel accepted no matter how accepting others are of you

You’ll never truly see past the destruction of what others have put you through

If feels scripted, like the start of anything new, becomes predicted

PTSD is part of my identity, and what others have inflicted upon me

Yet I’m still capable of love

I love as hard as I do, because no one has ever loved me the way I’ve wanted them to

So whenever I’m alone in my thoughts,

I’m forced to accept that this is a part of me

The tragedy, the agony, and the hollowness of gravity

It will always find its way back to me