Valentine's ad no surprises please

Valentine’s Want Ad (No Surprises Please)

by Robert Ramage

INTRO (spoken, crowd noise)
Alright Cupid… we gotta talk.
I ain’t asking for perfect…
Just no jump scares, no hidden DLC packages…
and PLEASE read the fine print.

VERSE 1 — The Catfish Classic
Profile says “angel,” halo shining bright
Show up at the bar — Lord, wrong human tonight 😄
Filters thicker than a double milkshake
I checked my phone twice like I made a mistake
She said “age is just a number,” I said “that’s true”
But when you’re older than my grandma — I’m confused about what to do
No hate here, just setting the scene
I ordered a date — not a time machine

CHORUS (BIG sing-along)
It’s a Valentine’s want ad — hear my plea
No surprises waiting for me
No plot twists hiding in disguise
Just honest love and honest eyes
Rock-and-roll mama, heart of gold
No extra parts I wasn’t sold 😄
Old-school man with a simple plan
Just one real woman holding my hand

VERSE 2 — The Instant Family Pack
She walks in smiling, looking divine
Seven kids behind her like a halftime line 🤣
Not ready for a date with a soccer team
That’s a lotta Happy Meals if you know what I mean
Respect the hustle, respect the grind
But Valentine’s night ain’t daycare time
One kid asked if I had snacks
Another tried to climb my back

CHORUS
It’s a Valentine’s want ad — loud and clear
Looking for love that actually appears
No drama bombs, no surprise shows
Just rock-and-roll love that naturally grows

VERSE 3 — The Wild Card Date
One showed up baked like a birthday cake
Forgot my name but ate my steak 😄
Another brought crystals to fix my vibe
Said Mercury’s mad — I said “join the tribe”
One girl said she likes whips and chains
Handcuffs too — I said “whoa, slow your reins” 🤣
I’m just here for dinner and a little romance
Not auditioning for a circus dance

VERSE 4 — The Coyote Ugly Morning
Ever wake up frozen, arm going numb
Thinking “Lord above… what have I done?”
That coyote-ugly sunrise glow
Makes you rethink everything you know 😆
Phone blowing up — wrong name saved
I quietly planned my great escape
Tiptoe ninja, shoes in hand
Praying Cupid understands

VERSE 5 — The Hopeful Twist
Yeah I laugh but I still believe
There’s a woman out there meant for me
No wigs flying off in a midnight breeze
Just honest laughter and chemistry
Rock-and-roll heart with a loving soul
Someone warm when the nights get cold
No surprises — just real and true
Maybe I’ve been waiting just for you

FINAL CHORUS (ARENA STYLE)
It’s a Valentine’s want ad — shout it loud
Looking for love that stands out in the crowd
Heart from heaven, wild but free
A little bit crazy — just like me
No plot twists, no disguise
Just a real good woman with fire in her eyes

OUTRO (spoken)
Cupid… buddy…
Next time — read the instructions.

Rock and roll Outlaw metal blues Funk rap echo reverb lead guitar slide guitar Bass guitar grunge punk