(phone ringing, click)
[Rep (overly cheerful)]:
“Thank you for calling FTB Support, where we solve problems the FTB way. How can I help you today?”
[You]:
“Yeah, um… I got this situation with this girl, right? Like—she keep callin’ me, texting me, poppin’ up—”
[Rep]:
“Okay… have you tried FTB?”
[You]:
“…what?”
[Rep]:
“FTB, sir. It usually resolves all emotional disturbances.”
[You]:
“Nah, I mean like—it’s deeper than that. She got a man, but she still on me, and—”
[Rep]:
“Mhm… okay. And just to confirm… you have NOT tried FTB yet?”
[You]:
“Bro, what does that even—”
[Rep (cutting you off)]:
“Sir, I’m gonna need you to try FTB before we continue.”
(pause)
[You]:
“…aight. FTB.”
[Rep]:
“Okay… and how did that feel?”
[You]:
“I mean… kinda good, I guess.”
[Rep]:
“Perfect. Now say it again, but mean it this time.”
[You]:
“FTB…”
[Rep]:
“Stronger.”
[You]:
“FTB!”
Rep:
“Excellent. Now, I need you to go into the bathroom mirror—”
[You]:
“What??”
[Rep]:
“—look yourself dead in the eyes… and say FTB three times.”
[You]:
“I’m not doin’ all that—”
Rep:
“Sir, do you want to fix the problem or not?”
(pause)
[You]:
“…aight, hold on.”
(footsteps, slight echo)
[You (distant)]:
“FTB…
FTB…
FTB…”
(comes back to phone)
[You]:
“…okay I did it.”
[Rep]:
“Beautiful. Any symptoms?”
[You]:
“I mean… I feel a lil better but she still textin’ me—”
(phone buzz sound)
[You]:
“…actually she just texted me right now.”
[Rep]:
“And what does it say?”
[You]:
“…‘I miss you.’”
(pause)
[Rep (serious now)]:
“…sir, we may need to upgrade you.”
[You]:
“Upgrade??”
[Rep]:
“Yes. Advanced FTB.”
[You]:
“What’s that?”
[Rep]:
“You say FTB… and don’t reply.”
(long silence)
[You]:
“…oh that’s hard.”
[Rep]:
“Most customers fail at that step.”
[You]:
“Yeah I don’t think I can do that.”
[Rep]:
“That’s okay, sir. Would you like to stay on the basic plan and keep suffering?”
(pause)
[You]:
“…yeah.”
[Rep (cheerful again)]:
“Great choice! Thank you for choosing FTB Support.”
(click)
fkthatbtch
