Skit: FTB Customer Support

(phone ringing, click)

[Rep (overly cheerful)]:

“Thank you for calling FTB Support, where we solve problems the FTB way. How can I help you today?”

[You]:

“Yeah, um… I got this situation with this girl, right? Like—she keep callin’ me, texting me, poppin’ up—”

[Rep]:

“Okay… have you tried FTB?”

[You]:

“…what?”

[Rep]:

“FTB, sir. It usually resolves all emotional disturbances.”

[You]:

“Nah, I mean like—it’s deeper than that. She got a man, but she still on me, and—”

[Rep]:

“Mhm… okay. And just to confirm… you have NOT tried FTB yet?”

[You]:

“Bro, what does that even—”

[Rep (cutting you off)]:

“Sir, I’m gonna need you to try FTB before we continue.”

(pause)

[You]:

“…aight. FTB.”

[Rep]:

“Okay… and how did that feel?”

[You]:

“I mean… kinda good, I guess.”

[Rep]:

“Perfect. Now say it again, but mean it this time.”

[You]:

“FTB…”

[Rep]:

“Stronger.”

[You]:

“FTB!”

Rep:

“Excellent. Now, I need you to go into the bathroom mirror—”

[You]:

“What??”

[Rep]:

“—look yourself dead in the eyes… and say FTB three times.”

[You]:

“I’m not doin’ all that—”

Rep:

“Sir, do you want to fix the problem or not?”

(pause)

[You]:

“…aight, hold on.”

(footsteps, slight echo)

[You (distant)]:

“FTB…

FTB…

FTB…”

(comes back to phone)

[You]:

“…okay I did it.”

[Rep]:

“Beautiful. Any symptoms?”

[You]:

“I mean… I feel a lil better but she still textin’ me—”

(phone buzz sound)

[You]:

“…actually she just texted me right now.”

[Rep]:

“And what does it say?”

[You]:

“…‘I miss you.’”

(pause)

[Rep (serious now)]:

“…sir, we may need to upgrade you.”

[You]:

“Upgrade??”

[Rep]:

“Yes. Advanced FTB.”

[You]:

“What’s that?”

[Rep]:

“You say FTB… and don’t reply.”

(long silence)

[You]:

“…oh that’s hard.”

[Rep]:

“Most customers fail at that step.”

[You]:

“Yeah I don’t think I can do that.”

[Rep]:

“That’s okay, sir. Would you like to stay on the basic plan and keep suffering?”

(pause)

[You]:

“…yeah.”

[Rep (cheerful again)]:

“Great choice! Thank you for choosing FTB Support.”

(click)