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The truth is… sometimes life feels pointless to me. I get tired of everything. I get tired of myself. I feel like I’m constantly trying to climb out of a dark place, and every time I get close to the top, something pulls me back down. You’ve lived life, you’ve had kids, you’ve been married… you’ve experienced things I haven’t even come close to. And sometimes that makes me feel like I’m behind, like I have nothing to show for my life.

But the one thing I do know for sure is this: I want to experience marriage with you. I want those moments with you. I want a future with you. I have absolutely no doubt in my heart about wanting you as my husband. You’re the person I want to build a life with, even when life scares me, even when my own mind gets loud and overwhelming. When I picture the future, you’re the one standing in it with me.

I know my actions haven’t always matched my intentions. I know lying makes it hard for you to trust the words coming out of my mouth. But I’m trying. I’m trying to be completely honest, even when it’s ugly or painful or embarrassing. I don’t want to hide from you anymore. I want to be better, not just for you, but for myself, for our future, for the life I still want to live because you are in it.

You have saved my life by being by my side. You don’t even understand how much your presence has kept me together, how much your love has kept me alive. And I’m grateful for you in a way I can’t even fully explain.

I’m sorry …truly, deeply, completely sorry.

I love you more than I know how to say.