Yo-yo

I shouldn’t feel this way

This shouldn’t be happening

That thought arrives first

Then another quickly follows

And inside the circle

The feelings start stacking

Annoyed yeah

Tired sure

Frustrated fine

Disgusted wait

And almost immediately

The verdict arrives:

I should be different

The judgment doesn’t stay small

Oh no

It spirals

Rejection, hatred, shame

Each loop tightening

Until the center thought appears

I’m a bullshit person

Not I’m having a hard moment

Not this feeling hurts

But a whole identity

Built from a passing state

Fix it

Force it

Push it away

Like untangling a knot

By pulling harder

I’m a bullshit person

And I know that’s not true

But right now

It really feels like it

Negativity goes physical

Like carrying a dead weight

Vision narrows

Movement goes automatic

Moving through the world

To distorted perceptions

That feel completely real

Maybe I just can’t hack it

On the Earth plane

Entrapped in ignorance

A victim of circumstance

Powerless, hopeless, helpless

And at the center of the whole structure

Sits a small sun

Labeled Ego

My suffering

My failures

My misery

My very important needs

Everything pointing

Back to the same

Exhausting Center

Oh, to be human

I’m a bullshit person

Not I’m having a hard moment

Not this feeling hurts

But a whole identity

Built from a passing state

Fix it

Force it

Push it away

Like untangling a knot

By pulling harder

I’m a bullshit person

And I know that’s not true

But right now

It really feels like it

Can the shell break already

If the discomfort gets intense enough

Maybe it will crack something open

Maybe it’s not punishment

Maybe it’s pressure

I know the light is there

But something thick is in the way

A dense fog

Not the absence of light

Just something keeping me

From perceiving it

Lord please

If I am your yo-yo

Please flick your wrist

And bring me back

Underneath the spiral

Underneath all of it

There is a much simpler longing

To rest

To rest in the palm

Of something larger

For a moment

Or maybe

For eternity

I shouldn’t feel this way

And yet

Here I am

And that’s enough​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​