Finding myself

Where do I start? Almost all my life I’ve lived with a broken heart
I have loved and feel like I’ve failed, I left and still feel nailed
I still love you but I can’t keep you a prisoner no more
I left you not because I don’t care
I left to find me that has wandered  so far
I tried to save you, I tried to change you
Sometimes I cuss and fought you but I lost
I didn’t lose you, I lost myself 
My worth, my self respect, my self motivation I almost lost my faith
I cried, I begged, I explained my hurt 
I punished myself hoping you would care
I’m so sorry that I didn’t care enough about me
To see and to know I have worth
It’s not in where I was born
It’s not in how eloquent I sound
Not in how much money or possessions I’ve earned 
Or in the family I was born into
It’s in the God who created me in His image
The God who loves me enough to die
To show me mercy and grace I don’t beg for
So as a young lady once told me
Leaving is painful, and so is staying
Letting go is painful and having faith things will change is just as painful. Yes I left not because I stopped loving you but because I needed to start loving me
I left not because I didn’t respect you but because I respect myself enough to divorce disrespect 
I left not because I am weak but because I was strong enough to stand for myself 
I didn’t leave because of your behaviors but to change mine
You see when a good woman walks away she has chosen peace over confusion
Love over hate
Respect over disrespect 
Self worth over abuse
I walked away to free the one that has been trapped inside me
To love the one i forgot to love while i  was busy loving others
I have found my wings and have realized I  have never seen a queen in chains. No never
I have taken my position on my throne
I have unlock the chains the held me bound
As hard as it feels I lost you in order to find me
Win or lose I’m choosing me

soul