All the people I cared for
Cost me ten times
What I was prepared to spend
And I'm not talking about money
I'm talking about the parts of me
I didn't know were non-refundable
And now they're all gone
Not in some dramatic way
Just gone
Like they faded out
While I was busy paying
For everyone else's problems
Nobody hears me
And I was wrong
About what mattered
Nobody cares
And all my friends are gone
Nobody's here with me
And all my friends were wrong
Nobody cares
Everything I've ever done
Was for everybody else's sake
Every decision
Every sacrifice
Every time I bit my tongue
Every time I swallowed the thing I actually needed to say
It was never about me
And now that it needs to be about me
I don't know how
I never learned the language
I already forget how I used to feel about you
Not because it wasn't real
But because I spent it all
On people who left
And there's nothing left in the account
To remember you with
Leave as fast as you came
No invitation
No explanation
Just a door closing
And the sound of someone
Who doesn't owe me anything
Walking away
Nowhere to go from here
Because "here" is just a room
Where I used to be someone
Who mattered to people
Who don't call anymore
I've been wandering around
Wondering how I got so
Got so
So fucking boring
Not interesting enough to fight for
Not interesting enough to stay for
Just... here
Then all of a sudden
So fucking scared
That the boring isn't the problem
The problem is I stopped trying
Because trying cost me everything
Last time
You'd mean so much more to me
If I remembered why
But the reason got buried
Under everyone else's emergencies
And I can't dig it out
Without unearthing all the other things
I buried with it
Love stolen from me
Now is forever lost
Not stolen by someone
Stolen by time
By neglect
By the slow erosion
Of something I didn't protect
Because I was busy protecting everyone else
Just because I'll never pay the ransom
The ransom isn't money
The ransom is admitting
I wanted it back
The ransom is calling
And saying I need you
The ransom is being the one
Who reaches out first
And I can't do it
Because reaching out
Is how I lost everything
The last time
What was taken from me
I will never regain
Not because it's gone
But because I forgot
How to ask for it
How to want it
How to deserve it
Just because I'll never pay the ransom
Just because I'll never pay the ransom
Just because I'll never pay the ransom
And the worst part
Is the kidnapper isn't even real
It's just me
Holding myself hostage
Refusing to pay
The one thing
That would set me free
**[hard stop]**
extra_unbearable
