[Verse 1]
Mister Jim woke up at seven
By seven-oh-five the toaster died
He burned his sleeve, he kicked the table
Set off the smoke alarm inside
He grabbed his hat and left the building
The neighbours locked their doors again
’Cause when Jim walks down the pavement
Trouble tags along like a loyal friend
[Pre-Chorus]
Oh, he tries — he tries — he really does his best
But chaos follows Jim like he’s permanently blessed
The world unravels every time he starts his day
And still he smiles and simply says… “Well… okay!”
[Chorus]
Oh Jim, Jim — what’ve you done again?
The buses stop, the pigeons dive, the sky caves in!
Oh Jim, Jim — you accidental hurricane
You only meant to walk to work… and now there’s flames!
[Verse 2]
He tripped upon a crack in Camden,
Rolled straight through a painter’s stand.
He came out looking like a rainbow
Doing jazz hands none of us planned.
He tried to wipe the mess off quickly,
But wiped his hand on fresh cement.
A dog got stuck, a bloke got splattered,
And someone yelled, “This can’t be accident!”
He backed away and hit a streetlamp,
The bulb flew off and hit a pram.
A marching band began collapsing,
All playing “God Save the Jam.”
[Pre-Chorus]
Oh, he tries — he tries — but it’s a losing fight
’Cause even crossing roads becomes a near-death sight
He breathes and twenty different things go wrong at once
But Jim just shrugs and mutters, “Well… that’s my luck.”
[Chorus]
Oh Jim, Jim — what’ve you done again?
You blocked the road, the power’s out, the street’s gone dim
Oh Jim, Jim — you catastrophic gentleman
You only meant to tie your shoe… and broke Big Ben
[Bridge, Spoken, theatrical, Madness-style]
“Attention all residents:
Mister Jim is on the loose.
Please remain indoors,
Avoid fragile objects,
And for safety reasons…
Just— just don’t look at him.”
[Final Chorus]
Oh Jim, Jim — what’ve you done again?
The sky is raining hubcaps and a violin
Oh Jim, Jim — our favourite cursed citizen
You’re chaos wrapped in corduroy — and we love him!
[Comedy Outro, Spoken / Chaotic Ensemble]
[Narrator:]
“And that concludes today’s adventures of Mister Jim…”
[Band Member 1:]
“—WHO HAS NOW BEEN ESCORTED AWAY FROM ALL PUBLIC TRANSPORT.”
[Band Member 2:]
“Police are advising citizens to remain calm—”
[Band Member 3, far away:]
“AND PLEASE COLLECT YOUR FLYING TUBAS FROM LOST & FOUND!”
[Narrator:]
“If anyone sees Mister Jim attempting to help…
please intervene immediately.”
[Jim, distant, cheerful:]
“SORRY! I ONLY TOUCHED IT!”
[massive crash, explosion, bike horn]
[Narrator:]
“…Right. Pub, anyone?”
JonnyOnit