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Ladies and gentlemen, step right up!

Tonight only: The Handsy McSqueeze Tour, starring ME!

Kaylene already bought the VIP package… she just doesn’t know it yet.

I’m gon’ molest you, baby (the good kind, the fun kind)

Hands movin’ like they owe you rent, they already one month behind

Tickle-tickle, grab-grab, you gon’ laugh till you pee

Call it sexual assault… on your funny bone, guilty as charged, flee!

Soon as you walk in I’m lurkin’ like a Mountie in the bushes

Two hands, ten fingers, all of ’em got warrants and grudges

Left hand goin’ north to cop a feel of them northern titties

Right hand goin’ south like “I heard there’s poutine in these cities”

You giggle, you wiggle, try to run, cute try

I chase you round the couch like a horny Canadian spy

Grab you by the waist, spin you like a hockey puck

Whisper “This is sexual harassment… and you’re stuck”

I’m gon’ pinch that booty like I’m testin’ avocados at Sobeys

Squeeze till you squeal louder than a moose on molly Fridays

Sneak attack from behind while you’re makin’ Kraft Dinner

Hands slidin’ up your shirt like “Surprise, it’s me, the beginner!”

You fake-mad, swing a pillow, miss, I dodge like Gretzky

Then I tackle you to the bed, full nelson, extra sketchy

You laughin’ so hard you snort, tears runnin’ down your cheek

I go “Aww baby that’s the cutest felony squeak”

And for tonight’s grand prize:

One free lifetime supply of unsolicited butt grabs!

(Consent forms available at the door… written in Sharpie on your left cheek)

I’m gon’ molest you, baby (with love and with laughter)

Hands got GPS, destination: every curve thereafter

You can scream, you can fight, you can try to resist

But we both know in ten minutes you’ll be like “Do it again, you prick!”

So buckle up, Kaylene, the tour bus is idling

Hands pre-heated to 69°, seatbelts optional, eh

If anyone asks, just tell ’em:

“Yeah he molested me…

and I paid extra for the meet-and-greet.”