Epic Rap Battles of History!!
J.K. Rowling!
Versus!
H.P. Lovecraft!
Begin!
[Lovecraft]
From the depths of the past I rise like Cthulhu
I"ll call you nine and three quarters cause I"m going right through you
I inspired It, Aliens and Cosmic horror
You inspired a bunch of transphobic Twitter wars
I conjured up the most disturbing monsters you have ever seen
While you"re nothing but an overplayed TV Tropes queen
It"s about time I put you back in your place
I"m raining rhymes down upon you like the color out of Space!
[JK Rowling]
"Oh, Howard, I see you’ve crawled out of the abyss,
To battle a witch whose success you couldn’t dismiss.
Cthulhu is the only thing that gives you any clout
But your racism’s a void that you will never climb out.
Your mythos is vast, but it’s barely been seen,
While i fill bookstores and dominate Halloween.
So slither back to R’lyeh, fade into the mist,
This Rowling is rolling, and Lovecraft won't exist!
[Lovecraft]
"Ha your raps are weak like all of Hufflepuff
Just like your books it's all kids stuff
Like the mountain of madness my flows are ice cold
Your rhymes are like Hogwarts: Dusty and old
Your villains are lame, disingenuous and fake
Seriously, a guy in a dress who talks to snakes?
Generations of horror birthed from my mind unstable
While your books are read at the kiddie table
You sold out to corporate overlords at WB
Eleven movies more boring than your skills as an MC
So go back to the UK, work on your next terrible play
Like Dumbledore you're finished, Lovecraft is here to stay!
[JK Rowling]
You want to talk snakes? Let me handle this fight,
I’m a basilisk, Howard, turning you to stone on sight.
You diss Hufflepuff? That’s a weak little joke,
I built a legion of fans; you died alone and broke!
Your works are cryptic, dense, and mostly unread,
Meanwhile, Potter’s a legend, living rent-free in your head.
Your so-called influence is dark and obscure,
While my stories shine with a magic that’s pure.
I owned WB, made billions on screen,
Your mythos barely made it past a pulp magazine."
[Lovecraft]
Man, Your books aren't worth toilet paper to wipe
Here's a polyjuice potion
Transform into someone who can actually write!
I don"t give a damn about all your success
You use your money and your fame to hide behind the fact,
That you're an uninspired talentless, transphobic hack
This battle is over, you've fallen off a Radcliffe
No where to go but into the Abyss!"
[JK Rowling]
"I’ve faced bigger critics, and I’ve heard all the slander,
Your monsters are laughable, your threats meander.
Your horror’s forgotten, just a niche little cult,
While my words became legends—deal with that result.
Your rhymes reek of bitterness, anger, and spite,
But my spells are eternal, my quill’s still alight.
Your misogyny and hatred can’t shake what I’ve done,
Because my magic’s forever—this battle I’ve won!"
WHO WON?!
WHO"S NEXT?!
YOU DECIDE!!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!!
