I miss it

I used to know myself by sleepless nights

By bathroom floors and tired eyes at school

Every song I loved felt sharp enough to bleed

Every mirror looked cruel

And now the sun comes through my window

I answer texts, I leave the house

My friends say “you seem lighter lately”

Like they can’t believe it either now

I should be grateful

So why do I feel lost?

‘Cause I got better

And I don’t know who I am without the sadness

Without the storm inside my ribs

Without the ache I carried everywhere

I spent so long surviving it

That peace feels unfamiliar

And some nights I miss the darkness

Just because it once felt like home

I waited years to escape it

Now part of me wants it back

There’s no more crying in supermarket aisles

No more staring at the clock till 4AM

No more making playlists meant to sound

Like the end of everything

But happiness is quieter than movies say

No huge light, no magic cure

Just waking up one day and realizing

You don’t hurt the same anymore

And somehow healing

Feels a little like grief

‘Cause I got better

But I miss the version of me

Who wrote her pain into every notebook page

Who understood every sad song completely

Now everybody says “you made it”

Like the story’s finally over

But what if I built my whole identity

Around being broken?

I waited years to stop drowning

Why do I miss the water now?

Maybe I don’t want the pain back

Maybe I just miss being understood

Miss the intensity of feeling everything

Like every night could ruin me for good

Maybe sadness became a language

And happiness speaks too softly

Maybe I’m scared that if I let go of the hurt

There’ll be nothing interesting left of me

So now I sit in peaceful bedrooms

Trying to recognize this life as mine

No shaking hands, no constant emptiness

No war inside my mind

And I know I should call this freedom

I know I should let myself heal

But after years of wearing sadness like skin

It’s strange to finally take it off and feel

I got better

And that should be enough

But sometimes I still romanticize

The girl I used to be because she suffered

And I hate that part of me

The one that misses all the damage

But pain was familiar

And healing still feels new

I spent years begging to be happy

Now I’m learning how to be it too