What I Learned Today

Dad walked in at half past five

Steel toe boots and tired blue eyes

Dropped his keys in the old glass tray

Said “Son, what’d you learn in school today?”

Usually I shrug and say “not much”

Then sneak upstairs and log online with us

But today I paid attention best I could

At least the parts I understood

Miss Jenny smiled at me in history class

Tyler shot a rubber band and broke the glass

Coach came yellin’ through the doorway loud

And somewhere in there I got confused somehow

I said “Dad, I finally listened good

I learned a whole bunch more than I thought I would!”

Dad, did you know Egyptians invented rock and roll?

Built the pyramids for giant stereo controls

Calculators mate for life out in the wild

That’s why mine died after fourth period awhile

Space is only eight miles up from here

Astronauts carry laser swords and spears

And our science class made a black hole today

Mrs. Crabtree said “Don’t tell your parents” anyway

Dad stopped halfway to his chair

Got that worried “something’s in the air” stare

Mom was laughing by the kitchen sink

Dad looked too concerned to even blink

In English class I wrote a compare and control essay

Teacher said she’s gonna save it for another day

Said future students oughta study what I wrote

Pretty sure that means I’m smarter than most

Pretty girls kept walkin’ through my train of thought

And Tyler kept explainin’ things he probably ought not

I tried real hard to keep my facts all straight

But lunchroom tacos complicated my fate

I said “Dad, school’s amazing now

I know more stuff than anybody around!”

Dad, did you know dinosaurs invented traffic cones?

And Abraham Lincoln made the very first smartphones?

Thomas Edison discovered pizza rolls by chance

And penguins may control the world from Antarctica France

Space is only eight miles up from here

There’s probably monster trucks upon the moon somewhere

And our science class made a black hole today

If it swallows Earth we still got homework due Friday

Dad said “Son… I think some wires crossed”

I said “No sir, this knowledge can’t be lost!”

Then my backpack started rattlin’ on the floor

And glowing purple smoke came pourin’ from the zipper door

The dog went flyin’ past the TV set

Grandma’s wig got stuck to the internet

Dad grabbed Mom and yelled “Everybody run!”

And I yelled “SEE? SCHOOL SCIENCE IS FUN!”

Dad, did you know Egyptians invented rock and roll?

Napoleon fought robots in the frozen snow

Calculators fall in love and mate for life

And black holes grow bigger if you feed ’em sloppy joes and Sprite

Space is only eight miles up from here

And I almost understand what teachers say all year

Yeah I finally paid attention all day long

…And somehow still got everything wrong

Now every night at half past five

Dad walks in with worried eyes

Still asks me what I learned at school

Then says “Please God… don’t let him explain science too.”