Buried Before I Grew

I was just a kid pretending to be a father

You were a mother who only showed up

When there was blame to give

And then you vanished again...

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I was the anchor in a ship you left

Raising five hearts on what I had left

You chased men across county lines

While I cooked, cleaned, and learned to lie

Met every stranger you brought through the door

Called ‘em dad but felt like a chore

They never stayed, and I never asked

Just smiled while wearing a borrowed mask

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I was drowning slow in the weight of the day

You were out chasing love two states away

I didn’t hate you—I just couldn’t breathe

Holding up your world while you left me beneath

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I’m sorry I broke while I tried to bend

I was a boy standing in for a man

They blamed the thunder, but I was the rain

Flooding in silence, swallowing pain

I loved them more than they could know

But I had to leave to save my soul

Now I carry the guilt in every breath

But I won’t wear your shame or death

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You only came back when something was wrong

Took inventory of what I’d done

Scolded my hands, ignored my eyes

Asked why the dishes weren’t stacked just right

I missed birthdays so I could pay the bills

Taped broken toys with the force of will

Read them bedtime stories I made from pain

Still, you said I was the one to blame

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They cried for mom, I wiped their tears

Buried my fear for seven years

I taught them how to tie their shoes

But who was there to help me through?

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I’m sorry I broke while I tried to bend

I was a boy standing in for a man

They blamed the thunder, but I was the rain

Flooding in silence, swallowing pain

I loved them more than they could know

But I had to leave to save my soul

Now I carry the guilt in every breath

But I won’t wear your shame or death

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You traded time for the chase of affection

Left your eldest son to learn rejection

I met every man who swore they'd stay

Watched them vanish by the end of the day

I’m not the villain in your story

I’m the ghost of your responsibility

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Don’t call it desertion

Call it survival

Don’t call me selfish

I chose revival

You made me the parent

Then made me the blame

But I walked through that fire

And left with my name

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I’m sorry I broke while I tried to bend

I was the spark — not the end

They blamed the smoke, but never saw the fire

Holding the house while it sank in the mire

I hope they know it wasn’t goodbye

It was live... or die

I’ll carry the guilt in every breath

But I left to save what I had left