The clock is ticking like a fucking hammer against my skull. The silence in this bedroom is a heavy, suffocating weight—just me and the shadows, watching the walls turn a cold, hollow grey. My chest feels packed full of heavy concrete, wrestling a goddamn ghost while I’m sitting here completely alone. I love you so fucking deep, but you’re entirely out of reach. It’s an unrequited fire that just sits in my chest to burn. The longing is a knife turning slow in my side for the one person I can never fucking have, forcing me to swallow the tears I’m forced to hide.
So what the hell do you want from me? How much do I have to pay to make this torment finally go away? Do you want the skin right off my fucking face? To watch me slowly suffocate inside this ruined place? I am bleeding from the inside, burning in the dark, left with nothing but the absolute ashes of a dead, forgotten spark. My own heart is the executioner, my mind is the cell. God, what do you want from me? This is a living hell.
The trauma starts to wake up the second the world goes to sleep. The old memories come crawling from the places way too deep, dragging the past into the present until my fucking hands start to shake. The panic takes my breath away, a tight fist locking up my throat, leaving me a total wreck on the bathroom floor. My thoughts are turning into spirits , ripping at my eyes, and the love I hold for you feels like venom and like lies.
So I just shut the lights out. I check out of my skin and leave my body behind. I slide down deep inside myself, where it’s frozen, dark, and grey, where the reality of losing you is miles away. It’s a hollow, lonely bunker built out of my own despair, but it’s the only place I’m safe from the suffocation of the air. I’m hiding in the labyrinth of a mind you cannot touch, because staying present in this fucking room just costs too damn much.
I’m so sick of the warfare that is raging in my chest, so exhausted from the screaming when I’m begging for some rest. I want a love I can actually hold, not a love that just breaks. But you’re the only one I desire, and you’re the one I can’t touch, and the simple act of breathing shouldn't have to hurt this damn much. My mental state is fucking fracturing, the glass is drawing real blood, and every dream I ever had of us is buried in the mud. I love you, and I fucking hate it. Being trapped alone with my own brain is a special kind of hell.
The walls are high in here now. The noise is finally dead. I’m completely safe behind the locked doors deep inside my head. You’re not here to hold me, you were never mine to keep. It’s just me and the damage right before I fall asleep. The world has gone completely black, and I’m not looking back. What do you want from me? Nothing. There is absolutely nothing fucking left to take.
Ravenous666