Now that I’m older, I talk to myself more often than not about the past and how it has affected me like Hey remember when I was a child remember when the pain didn’t show through even though the scars did yeah I do, but I try to forget those memories because they bring me pain. Remember when dad was still around and everyone was happy that never lasted long because soon after he died and our mom did too in a sense that is true but you still try to love and care for her even though she didn’t want to love you back. I tried all at the same time our own blood took advantage, and everyone became so cruel now here I am questioning who I am due to all the trauma. I look through the window of time wishing I can change all that has happened, but damn I know God has a plan for me. I may not see it now little by little it’s getting better new scars but luckily it’s not the ones on the brain. I’m thankful I survived. I’m thankful I survived. I tell myself every day you have to wake up because I feel as if this is a dream because there’s no one screaming and yelling at me like when I was nine I remember crying and screaming for help on the floor at one point after what he did I question what I was to the family he told me to never tell a soul, and I waited till I was 17 that’s when people started a question if it was true or not he made me crazy and suicidal at the time and never registered as a mental health crisis. I thought it was normal to be tired and wanting to constantly die, but then again wanting to belong so when I look in the mirror. I talk to my younger self and even though it’s not all positive I tried to tell her it’s all right honey. You’ve been tired and I know you’re hurting inside but you can’t give up. There’s people out there like you they need a voice to scream out. They are not broken, but our survivors at a young age doctor telling me all I need is some pills to feel better but taking them made me feel like the world around me was not real people lying but in reality, I was lying to myself saying I was OK my blood pumping with antidepressants anticipation of going under once again like oh God here it comes another high dose 10 2030 to 100 here I am talking to my younger self another man in my bed to make myself feel alive once more in the back of your mind, wanted to end it few years in and he breaks it off and you finally snap and try to take your own life looking up at the sky and excepting God, but he doesn’t reject you. He reassure you that he has a plan and you’re not welcome to come home yet now I’m living 25 to life I should’ve had at 16 not believing I’m finally free not just from the past but from myself saying I’m my own prisoner in my mind hurting and cutting my own arms because I don’t wanna hurt another honey. You’ve been tired and I know you’re hurting inside, but you can’t give up. There’s people out there like you. They need a Voice to scream out there, not broken, but we are survivors oh ohh ohhh
trixses
