Depth murmur 2 (Emotion)

I'm falling in slow motion, the walls are closing in

My heart beats like broken bass, too fast, too empty

Thoughts dance in a ring like shards of glass

Every turn cuts deeper – I don't want to scream anymore

The mirror lies to me with strangers' eyes

Says: "You haven't been at home here for a long time"

I count scratches on my soul like notches

Each one a date when I almost broke

And yet

somewhere deep down

something still flickers

that can't be extinguished

I'm falling deep – yeah, damn deep

But I still have bones

Still teeth

Still this fucking willpower

that refuses to die

I'm falling deep – the floor is concrete

But I beat my fists bloody

until something inside me

starts beating again

like a human being

The pills are like chains And like a life preserver at the same time

Some days I swallow hope, some only chemicals

The diagnoses pile up like bills in the mailbox

Each one bears a stamp: "chronic – incurable – face it"

Friends grow quieter, some turn away

"You just have to think positively" – thanks, asshole, really

But some nights I still call

and someone answers – that alone sometimes keeps me alive

There's no shortcut

No final boss fight with epic music

Just repetition

Getting up again

Showing teeth again

Breathing again, even though the air tastes like lead

I fall deep – screw how deep

But I crawl back into the light with broken nails

Blood in my mouth, dirt on my face

and this madness in my head that suddenly screams:

"Not yet! Not by a long shot!"

Sometimes success is just

that I brushed my teeth today

that I got out of bed

that I said "no" to the impulse

that wanted to throw me out the window

Sometimes winning is

simply still being there

when all the other voices have long since left

I fall deep – yes, deep again and again

But the way up

consists of exactly these shitty little steps

that no one sees

that no one applauds

that only I feel

The key isn't talent

not luck

not the right therapy alone

The key is: I want.

And more than anything else in this shitty world, I want to live – I want to stay –

I want to become.

So fall deep, my heart

I'm taking a running start in free fall

And someday

someday

I'll spread my wings

…even if they're in tatters.