Grandma Got a Glock for Christmas
(Chorus)
Grandma got a Glock for Christmas
Patrolling round the house on Christmas Eve
You might think she’s frail and sentimental
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
(Verse 1)
She’d been watching too much cable news channels
And said the neighborhood was going south
We bought her scented soaps and flannel
But she said she wanted heat to watch the house.
She’d been drinking too much eggnog
And we begged her not to load the magazine
But she slipped it in her apron pocket
And she’s the meanest senior citizen I’ve seen.
(Chorus)
Grandma got a Glock for Christmas
Patrolling round the house on Christmas Eve
You might think she’s frail and sentimental
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
(Verse 2)
She used to bake us cookies by the dozen
Now she’s at the gun range every day
She’s got a laser sight and grip tape
And she blew the postman’s tire clean away.
Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa
He’s been taking this remarkably well
See him sitting there watching football
Wearing Kevlar that he bought from Cousin Mel.
(Verse 3)
When Santa hit the roof above the bedroom
With his reindeer landing with a thud
Grandma yelled out, "Take cover!"
And she crawled across the carpet in the mud.
Poor St. Nick came down the chimney
With his sack of toys all bright and red
Grandma racked the slide and shouted "Freeze, dirtbag!"
And fired a warning shot right past his head.
(Chorus)
Grandma got a Glock for Christmas
Patrolling round the house on Christmas Eve
You might think she’s frail and sentimental
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
(Verse 4)
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
But nobody dares to ask for seconds
Or complain the portions aren't quite big.
I warn all of my friends and neighbors
"Better watch your step and don't you stall"
‘Cause Grandma’s rocking hollow points this evening
And she's waiting for a stranger in the hall!
(Outro)
Grandma got a Glock for Christmas...
Merry Christmas!
(Sound of a slide racking)
