“A VERY MESSY MERRY CHRISTMAS”
(Slow, funny Irish pub Christmas song)
⸻
[Verse 1 – Gentle jig, slow and warm]
Well the kids came crashin’ through the door
Like goblins in a pack,
Screamin’ “WHERE’S OUR PRESENTS, MAM?”
And nearly givin’ Santa a heart attack.
One’s cryin’ ’cause his toy won’t work,
One’s cryin’ ’cause hers will—
And I’m cryin’ ’cause I realized
They’ve all inherited my will.
⸻
[Chorus – Easy sing-along, swaying]
So raise a glass to Christmas
And this whacky family,
Where the love is strong, the jokes are wrong,
And no one acts calmly.
We laugh and shout and stumble ’round,
We argue, nap, and cheer—
It ain’t a peaceful holiday,
But it’s perfect every year.
⸻
[Verse 2 – Slow, comedic timing]
There’s Grandpa nappin’ in his chair,
He’s snorin’ like a train,
We poke him just to check he’s fine—
He snores even louder then.
Dad’s outside smokin’ cigars
Like the world might run out soon,
He tried to hang the Christmas lights
And lit the shed on fire at noon.
⸻
[Chorus – Slightly louder]
So raise a glass to Christmas
And the chaos that appears—
The in-laws sittin’ silently
Regretting all their years.
But still they come back every time
Though misery draws near—
’Cause secretly they love this mess
(Or maybe for the beer).
⸻
[Verse 3 – Slower, humorous buildup]
My wife is wound up tighter
Than a toy fresh from the shop,
She’s cleanin’ rooms the kids destroy
Before she even stops.
She’s makin’ snacks and watchin’ Dad
Set off the smoke alarm,
And swearin’ she’ll divorce me
If I don’t “FIX THAT BROKEN FARM!”
(Still not sure what that means…)
⸻
[Chorus – Big pub grin]
So raise a glass to Christmas
And to all our family flaws—
To cousins hidin’ from the kids
And dodgin’ all their ma’s.
They show up late and disappear
Then reappear for food—
God bless their hearts,
They try real hard—
Just not to look too rude.
⸻
[Verse 4 – Funniest one, slow & theatrical]
Uncle Paddy’s drunk already,
He started right at ten,
He’s tryin’ to tell his stories
But he keeps forgettin’ when.
He’s arguin’ with the Christmas tree
(And somehow losing too),
He fell asleep beneath it once—
We wrapped him up with glue.
⸻
[FINAL Chorus – Big warm pub ending]
So raise a glass to Christmas,
To the madness and the cheer,
We’re messy, loud, and slightly proud
And full of holiday beer.
We fight, we feast, we fall asleep,
We drive each other mad—
But I wouldn’t change a single soul,
They’re the best I’ve ever had.
Haymaker
