Screaming

I can’t pretend — it all started at ten

No father figure, mama did what she can

Dad actin’ Stevie, blind to the pain

Stepmom’s hands left marks in my brain

Introduce the deaf young — 2011 begun

Couldn’t enjoy grandma’s birthday — worst day, I was numb

Said goodbye to my best friend, funeral unattended

Domino effect, every scar just extended

Growing up feeling labeled defective

Suicidal thoughts — imagination neglected

Searching for a hero, mama met “Batman”

But that introduction led me to a madman

Eminem blasting, that anthem my therapy

Rolling to school with Betsy, rap became clarity

Built me a fallacy just to escape reality

Military route ’cause my grades lacked validity

Little did I know the foundation was cracking

One wrong step and the whole world collapsing

I’m screaming but nobody hears me

Bleeding but nobody sees

I’m breathing but barely living

Trapped in my memories

If I fall will they catch me?

If I call will they care?

I’m fighting a war in my head

And nobody’s there

What’s wrong Russell

When I close my eyes

I can feel the thickness of the blood again

I can feel the percussion of the shot

I can hear his racing thoughts

My friend you’re not making any sense

You’re truly sick, look at the evidence

Please pick up the fucking phone

Maybe then you would’ve known

How much I need you

I still see your lifeless body in my dreams

Now my wife wakes up to my screams

Wear your name on my wrist

I wish it didn’t come to this

Constantly calling the veteran crisis line

Help is offered but declined

Man I’m losing my fucking mind

And I’m contemplating suicide

Seems like everything is do or die

Living life looking over my shoulder for a threat that ain’t there

Can’t leave the fucking house because of this fear

Kids running to mommy, something’s wrong with daddy

It’s okay baby just go to your room

Now I have weekly meetings

About my psychosis and my major depressive episodes

Just another PTSD veteran

Don’t help him — just feed him medicine

I’m screaming but nobody hears me

Bleeding but nobody sees

I’m breathing but barely living

Trapped in my memories

If I fall will they catch me?

If I call will they care?

I’m fighting a war in my head

And nobody’s there