Like Home (Which Is Maybe the Problem)

You called out of nowhere

like nobody ever really leaves

I was burning dinner in the kitchen

watching rain slide down the screen

You said, “hey stranger”

and I laughed like that was funny

because nobody who knows you that well

gets to call you anything but memory

and suddenly

I was seventeen again

telling you everything

You still knew

which silence meant something was wrong

I still knew

which version of “I’m fine”

meant don’t let me hang up yet

Now I still almost send you things

songs at red lights

screenshots of stupid jokes

or that coffee creamer you liked

And every time it rains this hard

I still check my phone

like some part of me thinks

you belong to bad weather

or late nights

or every version of me

that never learned

how to leave things alone

We kept talking

like people standing too close to a fire

close enough to hurt

too cold to walk away

and honestly

I think we liked the burning

I saw your city on a highway sign last month

and it ruined my whole day

which felt dramatic

until I remembered

you used to be the first person

I told everything to

That kind of history

doesn’t leave cleanly

it settles under your skin

shows up uninvited

makes a liar out of healing

You still know

how to sound like coming home

I still hate

how fast I forget

why I had to leave

Now I still almost send you things

songs in the middle of the night

pictures of books you’d love

or dumb stuff that made me cry

And every time it rains this hard

I swear the whole world shifts

like grief is just love

with nowhere left to live

and you still exist

in thunderstorms

and interstate exits

and songs I skip in traffic

Maybe we were just lonely kids

holding each other above water

maybe we confused being understood

with being saved

but God

sometimes I still miss you

like blood loss

slowly

then all at once

So now you live

in rainstorms

and dashboard lights

and all the spaces

I thought time would fix

and every once in a while

something funny happens

before my brain catches up

I still reach for my phone

like home

which is maybe the problem