Cheese Doodle Run (A Bathroom Ballad)

Woke up feelin’ hungry, like a cowboy on the trail,

Saw that bright orange bag o’ danger sittin’ on the rail.

I said, “One won’t hurt me, hell, maybe two or three,”

Next thing I knew, Daddy, they were possessin’ me.

My belly started churnin’, like a bull about to buck,

I whispered to myself, “Boy… you really fucked up.”

Cheese doodles gave me the shits again,

Comin’ in hot like a twister wind.

I’m clenchin’ tight, prayin’ for my life,

Regrettin’ every crunch I took last night.

It’s a rodeo, Lord, I can’t sit—

Cheese doodles gave… me… the shiiiiiits.

Shane heard me hollerin’, said, “Man, what’s goin’ on?”

I said, “Brother, call a preacher, ‘cause my soul is nearly gone.”

He brought Pepto like a sidekick in a John Wayne scene,

But it’s hard to fight a demon when it’s neon cheese cuisine.

If love is like a campfire, warm and glowing bright…

Then cheese doodles are a dragon breathin’ hellfire in the night.

I ain’t lyin’, baby, this ain’t no small ordeal—

My toilet’s seen some things that it may never heal.

Cheese doodles gave me the shits again,

Lord, I’m sweatin’ bullets from my shakin’ chin.

I’m prayin’ to the heavens, I’ll reform my ways—

But I know damn well I’ll eat ‘em in a couple days.

It’s a tragedy country folks commit—

Cheese doodles gave… me… the shiiiiiits.

So raise your bags and raise your pain,

To the doodle gods who strike again.

If you hear me runnin’, don’t you call—

Just let me face my doom and stall…

‘Cause Daddy ate the cheesy bits…

And now he’s fightin’… THE SHIIIITS.