State of depression

Noone sees the nights i lie awake and listen to my own heartbeat and wish you could ride the waves back to me.. always wishing.. now I walk through life moving, talking, smiling
.. but inside im broken.. always broken.. missing a piece that only you could fix... but the love is still here.. and the memories.. i see your face in everything.. i hear your voice calling me. Every sound, every view, every shadow every single moment of every single day you are here.. but youre not.. loving you and losing you taught me joy and despair, tenderness and emptiness. And the weight of your absence lingers endlessly.
Its hard for me ... well... to define it.
People ask me " hows it goin?"  "How you feelin?"  And honestly, i really dont know.. its like a secret i keep from myself.. it isnt up to me.
I guess i wish i could take control of my own thoughts  and feelings, my own body, my brain constantly feeding me memories of you and my broken heart crumbles once again. And i begin feeling sad and my mood switches. I feel betrayed i feel mad. 
And now i cant focus cant finish what i started, so i isolate hunched down in a corner or locked in my room and have little conversations with myself and it dont make make any sense anyways. I ask my brain to stop thinking about you I ask my heart to stop beating for you .. no use... because i will never let go. Til the day i die.. 
I think about it and it frustrates me sometimes, how my brain and heart have taken control and its funny how i cant take it back. Then it happens again... and again.. and again, and once again i lose you, again.. and again and again..
And i break.. and im broken again, and again.. and again.. 
The only solution is to let go
But i wont .

Gritty alternative, Seattle grunge, emo, heavy drums, guitar riffs.