Burning The Family Tree

Dad came home from the tour, different tone in his throat

He swallowed it whole and called it a joke

We learned to not flinch at the sound of a key in the lock

I learned to apologize for being too loud when in the dark

We pass it like plates around the table

the chipped ones nobody wants to claim

every crack, every chip, every break, is a mark we pretend isn’t there

every silence a hand-me-down shame

It’s running through my veins like cheap beer

it’s in my voice when I say “I’m fine, I swear”

it’s the way I brace for a hug that turns into a fight

the way I love like I’m apologizing for taking up space in the light

But I’m tired of wearing their ghosts like a coat

I’m cutting the sleeves off, letting it choke

on the floor of this bedroom I pray to not be alone

this curse ends with me, I’m carving it in stone

I catch myself mid-sentence sounding just like him

sharp tongue, sharp regret, it's wearing me thin

I see my kid already shrinking from me

I disassociate, is this even real, just breathe

I’ve got his anger, her sadness, their talent for disappearing

Standing alone in the empty room

I’ve got a house full of echoes I didn’t record

a heart that keeps playing my wrongs on loop

It’s in my blood like rust on the swing set

it’s in my laugh when it cracks and forgets

it’s the way I say sorry before I’ve done anything wrong

the way I leave before I’m asked to be gone

But I’m not passing this poison down like a name

I’m burning the family tree just to feel the warmth of the flames

If love is a choice, then I’m choosing to break

every link in this chain for their sake

I’m older now and still scared of the dark hallways

I’m older now and still saying “it’s okay” when it’s not

I’m older now and learning that healing

feels a lot like ripping out your own heart

and teaching it how to beat softer

It’s in my blood but it’s not who I am

I’m writing new words on these shaky hands

I’ll scream in therapy instead of at someone I love

I’ll scream, I'll cry, in the car where it’s safe to fall apart

This curse ends with me

watch me bury it six feet deep

in the backyard of the house I’m building

brick by brick

tear by tear

year by year

I’m the last one carrying this

and I’m putting it down

right fucking here.