A Surprise in Every Port

(Verse 1)
I was three sheets to the wind and the grog was flowing free,
When I spied a lovely figure leaning 'gainst the pantry knee.
With a bonnet made of lace and a gown of velvet green,
She was the finest looking vessel that this harbor's ever seen!
Her voice was low and husky like a foghorn in the mist,
And she had a grip of iron on the bottle in her fist.
But I was blinded by the candlelight and half a cask of rum,
So I offered her my arm and said, "To my cabin we shall come!"
(Chorus)
So haul away the anchor, boys, and mind the rising tide,
For things are rarely what they seem upon the ocean wide!
You can polish up a barnacle and call it a shining pearl,
But you’re in for quite a shock when your lady isn't a girl!
(Verse 2)
We stumbled through the cobblestones and up the creaking stair,
Though I noticed she had whiskers 'neath the ringlets of her hair.
I thought, "Perhaps she's hardy, like a sailor's sturdy wife,
With a bit of salty stubble from a rugged coastal life!"
But when the corset hit the floor with a heavy, thudding sound,
The largest pair of hairy legs was all that could be found!
And as the golden wig slipped off to reveal a shiny pate,
I realized I'd been boarding quite a different kind of mate!
(Chorus)
So haul away the anchor, boys, and mind the rising tide,
For things are rarely what they seem upon the ocean wide!
You can polish up a barnacle and call it a shining pearl,
But you’re in for quite a shock when your lady isn't a girl!
(Verse 3)
"Avast!" I cried in horror as he stood there six-foot-four,
With a tattoo of a hammerhead across his chest he wore!
He looked me in the eyeball with a grin both wide and toothless,
And said, "I'm Captain Barnaby, and in love I’m truly ruthless!"
I dived straight through the window and I tumbled to the street,
Leaving all my dignity and my boots upon his feet.
So if you meet a 'maiden' who can out-drink the entire crew,
Check for a beard before you ask what that lady wants to do!
(Chorus)
So haul away the anchor, boys, and mind the rising tide,
For things are rarely what they seem upon the ocean wide!
You can polish up a barnacle and call it a shining pearl,
But you’re in for quite a shock when your lady isn't a girl!

gravelly pirate shanty, heavy pirate slang, rhythmic rowing beat. Boisterous and chaotic. Accordion, hurdy gurdy