If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest, I’m scared of the quiet

When nobody’s talking, my thoughts get violent

I smile in public, but behind my eyelids

There’s a million reasons I don’t feel invited

I tell people I’m good, but that’s half a lie

I’m just better at hiding what’s eating inside

I got faith in my chest and fear in my head

I don’t know which one’s gonna win in the end

I pray for peace but I still overthink

I’m asking for water while drowning in drinks

Tryna numb out the feelings I don’t understand

Tryna be someone stronger than I really am

I don’t wanna be weak

But I don’t wanna fake

I don’t wanna fall apart

But I’m tired of being brave

If I’m being honest

I don’t know who I am

I’m not who I was

But I’m not who I planned

I’m stuck in the middle

Of breaking and healed

I’m smiling in pictures

But hurting for real

If I’m being honest

I’m scared you’ll leave

Once you see all the cracks

Underneath the me

I’m not looking for pity

I just want truth

If I’m being honest…

I’m still learning you

I got love in my heart, got holes in my trust

Every time someone’s close, I’m waiting for dust

I don’t know if it’s trauma or just how I’m wired

But I’m scared that being loved means I’ll get tired

Tired of pretending I don’t need somebody

Tired of acting like I’m built out of solid

I wanna be held without feeling ashamed

I wanna be real without being to blame

I tell God I’m grateful, but I still feel empty

Like blessings are there but they don’t really get me

I don’t need a miracle, I just need a hand

To remind me I’m more than a broken man

I don’t wanna give up

But I don’t wanna drown

I don’t wanna lose myself

Just tryna be found

If I’m being honest

I don’t know who I am

I’m not who I was

But I’m not who I planned

I’m stuck in the middle

Of losing and growth

Trying to be brave

But scared to be close

If I’m being honest

I need you to see

That I’m not a hero

I’m just trying to be

Someone who’s healing

Someone who’s true

If I’m being honest…

I still need you

Maybe I don’t need answers

Maybe I just need time

Maybe all of this chaos

Means I’m still alive

Maybe I’m not broken

Maybe I’m just in between

Who I used to be

And who I’m meant to be

If I’m being honest

I’m afraid of the dark

But I’m still walking forward

With a light in my heart

I don’t have it together

But I’m trying my best

And I’m tired of pretending

That I don’t need rest

If I’m being honest

I don’t want to be numb

I want to feel something

Even if it hurts some

I’m not looking for perfect

Just something that’s true

If I’m being honest…

I’m still healing too