(Intro — distorted advertisement voice)
Congratulations.
You’ve selected the Premium Boyfriend Package™.
Now featuring....emotional restraint, stable income, conflict-free communication, and a verified 780 credit score
Because love should never feel… inconvenient.
⸻
(Verse 1)
He opens doors and pays the check
Says “yes ma’am” with the perfect accent
No nicotine, no dirty jokes
No shadows underneath his habits
Factory smile, Sunday clean
Gold-star morals on display
A handcrafted artificial man
Designed to never disobey
⸻
(Pre-Chorus)
No raised voice
No rough edges
No anger leaking through the seams
Just pretty little programmed responses
Sold as somebody’s dream
⸻
(Chorus)
Premium boyfriend package
Now available online
Soft hands, soft tone, soft-spoken heaven
Pre-approved and sanitized
Touchscreen halo
Custom settings
Minimal emotional needs
But you can’t finance a soul
And you can’t mass-produce empathy
⸻
(Post-Chorus)
Love me gently
Love me perfectly
Never bleed on the sheets
Never break in front of me
⸻
(Verse 2)
Now everybody’s selling virtue
Like a brand deal dressed in white
Performing holiness for strangers
Under artificial light
And maybe he’s a decent person
Maybe he’s just terrified
To say the wrong thing one bad moment
And lose his “good guy” badge online
⸻
(Bridge — whispered)
Good boys don’t swear
Good boys don’t crack
Good boys stay pretty
And never talk back
Good boys stay marketable
Easy to consume
Easy to replace
⸻
(Breakdown — screamed/sung)
BEING HUMAN DOESN’T MAKE YOU EVIL
You want a lover, not a statue
A heartbeat, not a brand-new toy
But perfection’s just another cage
Wrapped in influencer noise
⸻
(Final Chorus)
Premium boyfriend package
Disposable and clean
Built to fit your fantasy
Not built for reality
No blood pressure
No bad days
No inconvenient truth
Just a polished little product
Standing in for something real
⸻
(Outro — glitching advertisement)
Thank you for choosing
Premium Boyfriend Package™
Humanity sold separately.