Premium Boyfriend Package

(Intro — distorted advertisement voice)

Congratulations.

You’ve selected the Premium Boyfriend Package™.

Now featuring....emotional restraint, stable income, conflict-free communication, and a verified 780 credit score

Because love should never feel… inconvenient.

⸻

(Verse 1)

He opens doors and pays the check

Says “yes ma’am” with the perfect accent

No nicotine, no dirty jokes

No shadows underneath his habits

Factory smile, Sunday clean

Gold-star morals on display

A handcrafted artificial man

Designed to never disobey

⸻

(Pre-Chorus)

No raised voice

No rough edges

No anger leaking through the seams

Just pretty little programmed responses

Sold as somebody’s dream

⸻

(Chorus)

Premium boyfriend package

Now available online

Soft hands, soft tone, soft-spoken heaven

Pre-approved and sanitized

Touchscreen halo

Custom settings

Minimal emotional needs

But you can’t finance a soul

And you can’t mass-produce empathy

⸻

(Post-Chorus)

Love me gently

Love me perfectly

Never bleed on the sheets

Never break in front of me

⸻

(Verse 2)

Now everybody’s selling virtue

Like a brand deal dressed in white

Performing holiness for strangers

Under artificial light

And maybe he’s a decent person

Maybe he’s just terrified

To say the wrong thing one bad moment

And lose his “good guy” badge online

⸻

(Bridge — whispered)

Good boys don’t swear

Good boys don’t crack

Good boys stay pretty

And never talk back

Good boys stay marketable

Easy to consume

Easy to replace

⸻

(Breakdown — screamed/sung)

BEING HUMAN DOESN’T MAKE YOU EVIL

You want a lover, not a statue

A heartbeat, not a brand-new toy

But perfection’s just another cage

Wrapped in influencer noise

⸻

(Final Chorus)

Premium boyfriend package

Disposable and clean

Built to fit your fantasy

Not built for reality

No blood pressure

No bad days

No inconvenient truth

Just a polished little product

Standing in for something real

⸻

(Outro — glitching advertisement)

Thank you for choosing

Premium Boyfriend Package™

Humanity sold separately.