Can’t Get Fired

[Verse 1]
Showed up late
Two hours past nine
Spilled hot coffee
On the boss’s new tie
I said
“I’m lazy
I’m not even gonna try”
He said
“That’s honesty
We need that kind of guy” (oh no)
[Chorus]
I can’t get fired
I’m too bad to let go
Every mess I make
Just helps the numbers grow
My wife says
“Baby
That job is good for you”
Good for me
But not for the poor team you put through
[Verse 2]
Unplugged the server
To charge my phone
Lost three weeks of data
Whole department groaned
HR called me in
I thought
“This is the day”
They promoted me to “Head of Doing Things My Way”
[Chorus]
I can’t get fired
I’m too bad to let go
Every time I slack
Office productivity grows
My wife says
“Honey
That paycheck’s coming through”
Good for us
But what about the folks stuck working with you?
[Bridge]
At home I plead
“Let me quit
I’m a curse”
She kisses me and says
“Oh
It could be worse”
“You’re eating stress so your coworkers thrive
You’re like a vaccine keeping that office alive” (hey!)
[Chorus]
I can’t get fired
I’m too bad to let go
When I call in “sick”
They throw a welcome-back show
My wife says
“Baby
This chaos makes you bloom”
Good for me
But my poor cowork’s hiding in the break room
[Outro]
I file reports
In cartoon fonts
They hang them framed
Call it “vision we want”
I beg
“Please fire me”
They shout
“We’re inspired!”
Guess I’m working here
Till the building retires (oh yeah)

Bouncy 70s disco groove with male falsetto vocals, bright string stabs and jangly rhythm guitar over a steady four-on-the-floor beat. Verses stay tight and talky, bassline playful and busy; chorus explodes with stacked harmonies, handclaps, and glittery synth hits. Brief breakdown before final chorus for crowd call-and-response, then a quick, cheeky tag ending., comedy, disco