[Verse 1]
Rollin’ through the trailer park, just past two,
Saw a bald head gleamin’ like a fresh tattoo,
It was Mike—Old Dirty Bastard in the scene,
Lookin’ like he’s 80 but he swear he’s 15.
He’s 55 but he livin’ like he ancient,
Talks to his mirror, sayin’ wild incantations,
Wears socks with sandals, lotion on blast,
Head so smooth it reflect the past.
[Chorus]
Bald head Mike, creepin’ through the mist,
Scalp so bright you could swear he got kissed,
By the sun, by the moon, by a cursed raccoon,
Ain’t had hair since late June of ’02.
Bald head Mike, got a flask and a limp,
Thinks he’s a pimp but he looks like a shrimp,
Old Dirty Bastard, straight up odd,
Age 55 but he walkin’ like God.
[Verse 2]
He say, “Back in my day, we drank gasoline,”
Then he coughs up dust and eats a tangerine,
Still watches VHS, still curses AOL,
Still mad Blockbuster fell.
No beard, no stash, not a whisker in sight,
Just that shiny dome glowin’ bright in the night,
Got a mustache tattoo, but it’s long since faded,
Still tells the ladies, “I’m genetically jaded.”
[Hype Verse – Shaggy 2 Dope Style]
Yo it’s Shaggy, swingin’ through like a ghost bat,
Saw Mike yellin’ at a squirrel wearin’ a top hat—
What? This dude got no shame,
Writin’ fan mail to M.A.S.H. like it’s still a thing!
He bald as a cue ball, slick like grease,
But his upper lip smooth like a baby niece,
I seen him wrestle pigeons in the Rite Aid lot,
Talkin’ ’bout “I used to be hot!”—you not!
He glares in the mirror, tryin’ to grow a soul patch,
But all that comes out is a skin rash,
He a legend, a relic, a dusty freak,
But we love that dome—it’s unique!
[Bridge – Spoken]
Mike… you facially naked legend…
Your head got more reflection than a philosophy class.
Stay bald, stay bold.
[Chorus]
Bald head Mike, creepin’ through the fog,
Tells kids stories ‘bout “the Great Leap Frog,”
Old Dirty Bastard, king of the lot,
Hairline retired, livin’ off the rot.
Bald head Mike, got a cane he don’t need,
Just likes swingin’ it when he feels the need,
55 years but his soul’s 103,
He’s bald, he’s loud, and he’s comin’ for thee.
[Outro – Whispered/Chanted]
Mike… Old Dirty Mike…
No beard… No fuzz…
Just that cue ball dome from above…
SchmooPac
