Sermons and scars

I grew up in the pews where my father preached grace

But I couldn’t feel God in that holy place

He was busy with sermons, too tired to stay

And I learned early on how to push love away

A brother who bruised me with silence and stares

A mom always fighting, too worn out for prayers

I wore the right clothes, made the right grades

But inside, I was learning to fade

Told the gospel like a script I’d rehearsed

While inside I was choking on spiritual thirst

Defended my dad with blood in my fists

But hated the call that made me feel missed

Had one friend who felt like a brother

Then silence, a year—we forgot each other

I let darkness creep into every space

And wore church like a smile I couldn’t replace

And I’m crying in the silence, still praying through the night

Trying to believe there’s a reason for the fight

I’ve got God, I’ve got faith, but I still feel alone

With no one beside me to help carry me home

Is it weakness to ache? Is it wrong that I’m numb?

I’ve been bleeding and broken, but I’m still holding on

Got baptized more out of pressure than fire

Understood the meaning, but lacked the desire

Shut down the boy who would laugh and be free

Built walls around the real parts of me

Started sleeping to skip through the days

Hurting myself in secret ways

Wore humor like armor, but inside I knew

That nothing about it was true

I prayed for a year, “God, send me a friend”

And He answered in ways I still can’t comprehend

Fell in love with a girl, but the past bled through

I lost her and didn’t know what to do

Then I loved someone who loved You more

And I loved her like never before

She said she was scared—we drifted apart

And now she don’t know she still holds my heart

So I'm crying in the silence, still praying through the night

Trying to believe there’s a reason for the fight

I’ve got God, I’ve got faith, but I still feel alone

With no one beside me to help carry me home

Is it weakness to ache? Is it wrong that I’m numb?

I’ve been bleeding and broken, but I’m still holding on

They say joy comes in the morning,

but I’m lost in the in-between

I know I’ve been forgiven,

but I don't know what that means

When the wounds still ache, and the nights still scream

When the people I love only show up in dreams

I believe You’re good—but I still ask why

And I worship in silence with tears in my eyes

Still crying in the silence, still waiting on the light

Still trusting through the trembling, still learning how to fight

I’ve got God, I’ve got hope, but I still feel the ache

And I’m holding out for love that doesn’t break

Is it healing to wait? Is it brave not to run?

I’m a soul full of sorrow, but I’m still holding on