Mental Struggles

3 years without you, everyday doesn’t feel right, Christmas isn’t the same anymore. Are you proud of me? Would you love how I’ve become? I’m just happy that I got to be called your grandson. Are you watching over me? Are you happy? How’s grandpa doing? I hope you tell him about me, I didn’t know you were depressed all those years. I remember you told dad what we were scared to tell him. I remember you taking care of us during the divorce. I remember all the good times and I’d do anything to go back. Time I took for granted, times I didn’t visit. That still small voice whispered and I could have helped, I didn’t hear it because I don’t know how to hear those intuitions, life was so loud that it crossed my mind and didn’t know how to process. I blame myself even though I shouldn’t. I miss you grandma, I’ll probably cry but shouldn’t 

What if I just end it all? Would anybody care at all? The world still goes on, my position is filled, things are sold to the world. My life doesn't have an impact like I think it would. Alone at the bar trying not to cry, thoughts come and make me wonder why. Boss says I need to separate myself and be a manager, lead by example. I love the people I work with, I'm happy here. If I take that away, I feel like I just disappear and then I'm all alone again. Back in my head with the battle from dark thoughts threats. Looming over my shoulder, when happiness comes it creeps back in and takes over. Numb is everything I feel, nothing is real, nothing can heal, me. 

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