I’ve Never Smelt a Fart I Didn’t Like

Verse 1
Sat there sweating in a plastic chair
Pressure building up like there’s danger in the air
Stomach doing Morse code, face gone pale
Knew something ugly was about to leave the jail

Then it hit me with a deep low hum
Like a haunted bassline banging on a drum
Cheeks locked tight but the seal got weaker
My arsehole pulsed like an old radio speaker

Chorus
My arsehole pulses like an old radio speaker
Every time I fart, the room gets a little bleaker
Buzzing and popping like a track from long ago
Crackling out a solo no one wanted to know

My arsehole pulses like an old radio speaker
Not a smooth performer, more a dying little shrieker
When the signal starts to break and the walls begin to shake
You can tell by my face that it’s more than a mistake

Verse 2
Sounded like a broadcast from the underworld
Static in my boxer shorts suddenly unfurled
Grandad’s old transistor had a cleaner tone
This was pure distortion from the danger zone

One came out short like a needle skip
One had enough force to move my hip
I clenched my jaw, got spiritually deeper
My arsehole pulsed like an old radio speaker

Chorus
My arsehole pulses like an old radio speaker
Every time I fart, the room gets a little bleaker
Buzzing and popping like a track from long ago
Crackling out a solo no one wanted to know

My arsehole pulses like an old radio speaker
Not a smooth performer, more a dying little shrieker
When the signal starts to break and the walls begin to shake
You can tell by my face that it’s more than a mistake

Bridge
Ooooh, can you hear that feedback whine?
That haunted little bassline crawling up my spine
Ooooh, no engineer could save this show
Once the valves heat up, there’s nowhere else to go

Final Chorus
My arsehole pulses like an old radio speaker
A broken bit of hardware, getting ruder by the week, sir
Popping out disasters in a fog of fear and shame
Every single episode somehow sounds the same

My arsehole pulses like an old radio speaker
From a tiny little tremor to a full room reeker
And when I finally stand, defeated and alone
I swear I heard it buzzing with a life all of its own

Outro
Bzzzt… pop… rrrrr… wheeze…
Lost the signal in the breeze
My arsehole pulses, loud and clear
Broadcasting doom for all to hear

80s synth pop, 130bmp, female