Dear Isaiah
This may sound strange but when you were born I felt a sense of responsibility that has only been trumped by having my own kids. I’m so fucking proud of you.
I remember holding you for the first time, I remember bouncing you in your bouncy chair and this caterpillar that hung over it. When it stretched out it sang some baby lullaby. I was the one who was with you when your bandage on your umbilical cord fell off. When you were old enough we had lightsaber fights and I promise you hurt my hands just as much as I did yours. Playing in the sandbox with the water hose, being a dick to your friends (regretfully).
What hurts the most to remember is when I started questioning Christianity. It caused such a rift between me and mom and dad that they didn’t want me around you (or maybe it felt that way). I was at a very bad place and felt you were better off without me, due to some thing’s that were said and an overall sense of guilt for the things I was doing. I still struggle with how I handled it and how even now if I’m good enough to be around you.
It’s embarrassing to me that when we did spend some time together later on in life (for an extended period) it was at my lowest point. I’m also great-full that it may have given you more understanding of folks like me. I don’t think you ever needed an example to keep you from doing the dumb shit that I’ve done.
I feel like I’ve missed your life. Like I’ve missed such a huge part that I don’t get to be your brother, or the brother that I’ve wanted to be and for that I’m sorry. I can no longer live my life in a state of constant guilt. I can’t change how things happened or understand why they happened the way they did. I can only try to do better. I don’t get to give you advice or be what so many people are to you in your life. I’ve gone through feelings of jealousy to those that have gotten to be that for you, which is unfair to you. I’ve been resentful towards you because of the attention you received which I know is easier when 3/4 kids are grown, which is also not fair to you. I love you more than you can ever understand.
