[Verse 1]
I slide in first
Call the couch
You can have the dishes
I called this house
I built my life
Round these shows
You wanna talk feelings?
Wait till the reruns close
[Chorus]
Remote in one hand
Snack in the other
I would fight my sister
I would fight my mother (hey!)
I swear I’d arm‑wrestle
All of our friends
Just to watch my babies
Till the credits end
[Verse 2]
If I ever met ’em
I’d lose my chill
Ask way too much
Forget my bill
“Adopt me please
I make great toast
I’ll laugh on cue
I’ll clap at the jokes” (oh yeah)
[Chorus]
Remote in one hand
Snack in the other
I would fight my sister
I would fight my brother
Slide on the floor
Like a home‑plate dive
Just to hit that channel
Keep my loves alive
[Bridge]
You want the news?
Go read your phone
This living room
Is a sitcom zone
You change the show
We throw hands tonight
You want my heart?
You better binge it right
[Chorus]
Remote in one hand
Snack in the other
I would fight my exes
I would fight my lover (hey!)
Guarding that screen
Like it’s pure gold
If you steal my stories
We are on hold