Something Wrong With Me

There's something wrong with me that I can't explain

Something broken in the wiring of my brain

That makes me sabotage the things I love the most

Push away the people I should hold the closest

I don't know why I am the way I am

Why I burn down every bridge with my own hands

Then stand in the ashes wondering what happened

When I'm the one who lit the match

I wake up every morning with the best intentions

Tell myself today will be different, today I'll be better

Today I won't let my demons take the wheel

Today I'll be the man she deserves to feel

Safe with, proud of, certain about

But by midnight I've given her another reason to doubt

Everything I promised, everything I swore

And I hate myself a little more than before

Why can't I just be normal like everybody else

Why does my mind have to fight against itself

One side wants to love her right, give her everything

The other side is terrified of what that means

So I push before she can pull away first

I hurt before I can feel the hurt

It's protection that destroys what it's trying to protect

And I'm so tired of being my own biggest threat

She looks at me with eyes that still believe

That somewhere underneath this mess is someone worth keeping

And that faith breaks me more than her anger ever could

Because I want to be that man, God I wish I could

Just flip a switch and turn off whatever this is

This thing inside that ruins every moment of bliss

That whispers I don't deserve it so I prove it true

By doing the exact thing I swore I'd never do

I've sat in rooms with people trying to fix me

Taken pills that made me numb but never free

Read the books, said the prayers, did the work

And still I find myself face down in the dirt

Wondering if this is just who I am forever

If fighting myself is a war that ends never

If the people who love me would be better off gone

Before I drag them down to where I've always belonged

But she stays and I don't understand why

How she can watch me fail and still try

To see the good in someone who keeps showing bad

To love the man who keeps making her sad

Maybe she's broken too in ways I can't see

Maybe that's why she understands this part of me

Or maybe she sees something I never could

That underneath the damage there's still something good

I'm not making excuses for the pain I've caused

I own every tear, every moment she's lost

Believing in someone who keeps letting her down

But I need her to know that I'm still trying to be found

Still fighting this thing even when I lose

Still choosing her even when my mind wants to choose

Destruction over peace, isolation over love

I'm still reaching for the light from the darkness I'm made of

Something's wrong with me but I'm still here

Still fighting, still failing, still drowning in fear

But still loving her with everything I've got

Even when everything I've got doesn't feel like a lot