I know you're tired of hearing me say sorry
Tired of the promises that crumble by the morning
I see it in your face when I mess up again
That look that says you're wondering when this will end
When you'll finally have enough and walk away
And honestly I'm surprised you're still here today
After everything I've put you through
I wouldn't have stayed if I were you
My mind is a war zone you didn't sign up for
Battles happening behind a closed door
That I try to hide but they spill out eventually
All over you, all over us, all over me
And I watch myself from somewhere outside my body
Doing the things I swore I'd never do again
Saying words that cut deeper than I mean them to
Then spending the night hating what I put you through
The impulse hits and I react before I think
One second I'm fine, the next I'm on the brink
Of destroying everything we've built together
And I don't know how to make it better
I don't know how to be the man you fell in love with
All the time, not just in moments and glimpses
You deserve consistency, I give you chaos
You deserve peace, I give you problems
Forgive me while I figure this out
I know that's asking more than I deserve right now
But I'm trying to untangle years of damage
Patterns I learned before I knew they were patterns
Survival skills that made sense when I was broken
That don't make sense now that I've got something worth holding
I'm unlearning everything I thought protected me
Because it's hurting you and that's hurting me
I love you more than my actions show
And I know that's hard to believe when the evidence says no
When my behavior contradicts every word I speak
When I make you feel unloved in the moments you're weakest
But the love is real even when I can't express it right
Even when I start the wars when I should hold you tight
The love is there underneath all of my dysfunction
Begging me to get it together before I lose my reason to function
You're the only thing that makes sense in my head
The only calm in a storm of noise and dread
And the thought of losing you because of who I am
Is the only thing that makes me want to be a better man
Not for me because honestly I'd given up on me
But for you, for us, for what we could be
If I could just get out of my own way
If I could just make it through one day
Without the guilt of knowing I let you down again
Without seeing the hurt I caused reflected in your eyes
Without going to bed wondering if this is the last time
You'll choose to stay with someone who keeps making you cry
I'm working on it, I swear I'm working on it
Even when it looks like nothing's changing
Even when I take ten steps back for every one forward
Just please don't give up before I get there
Forgive me while I figure this out
I'm fighting for us even when it doesn't look like it
I'm choosing you even when I make the wrong choice
I'm loving you even when my love comes out broken
Just give me a little more time
I'm almost there, I can feel it
I just need you to believe it too
SoulStrings
