Forgive Me While I Figure This Out

I know you're tired of hearing me say sorry

Tired of the promises that crumble by the morning

I see it in your face when I mess up again

That look that says you're wondering when this will end

When you'll finally have enough and walk away

And honestly I'm surprised you're still here today

After everything I've put you through

I wouldn't have stayed if I were you

My mind is a war zone you didn't sign up for

Battles happening behind a closed door

That I try to hide but they spill out eventually

All over you, all over us, all over me

And I watch myself from somewhere outside my body

Doing the things I swore I'd never do again

Saying words that cut deeper than I mean them to

Then spending the night hating what I put you through

The impulse hits and I react before I think

One second I'm fine, the next I'm on the brink

Of destroying everything we've built together

And I don't know how to make it better

I don't know how to be the man you fell in love with

All the time, not just in moments and glimpses

You deserve consistency, I give you chaos

You deserve peace, I give you problems

Forgive me while I figure this out

I know that's asking more than I deserve right now

But I'm trying to untangle years of damage

Patterns I learned before I knew they were patterns

Survival skills that made sense when I was broken

That don't make sense now that I've got something worth holding

I'm unlearning everything I thought protected me

Because it's hurting you and that's hurting me

I love you more than my actions show

And I know that's hard to believe when the evidence says no

When my behavior contradicts every word I speak

When I make you feel unloved in the moments you're weakest

But the love is real even when I can't express it right

Even when I start the wars when I should hold you tight

The love is there underneath all of my dysfunction

Begging me to get it together before I lose my reason to function

You're the only thing that makes sense in my head

The only calm in a storm of noise and dread

And the thought of losing you because of who I am

Is the only thing that makes me want to be a better man

Not for me because honestly I'd given up on me

But for you, for us, for what we could be

If I could just get out of my own way

If I could just make it through one day

Without the guilt of knowing I let you down again

Without seeing the hurt I caused reflected in your eyes

Without going to bed wondering if this is the last time

You'll choose to stay with someone who keeps making you cry

I'm working on it, I swear I'm working on it

Even when it looks like nothing's changing

Even when I take ten steps back for every one forward

Just please don't give up before I get there

Forgive me while I figure this out

I'm fighting for us even when it doesn't look like it

I'm choosing you even when I make the wrong choice

I'm loving you even when my love comes out broken

Just give me a little more time

I'm almost there, I can feel it

I just need you to believe it too