The script - edit somatic

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Prompt / Lyrics

[clear female vocals forward]
[negative space between phrases]

[INTRO] My script was written before I knew I was reading from one. [VERSE] I feel too big. I think too much. I am too much. I am bad. Not my words. Someone else’s. Handed to me before I knew I could put them down. But I believed them. Because that’s what children do with the words of the ones who are supposed to love them. [VERSE] So I learned to perform. If I am bad I will act good. If I am too much I will make myself useful. Perform goodness. Feel safe. Perform goodness. Feel safe. Perform goodness. Feel safe. Until the moment I slip. Until the moment I’m not enough. And something old comes rushing back. I am bad. Hide it. Perform louder. I am bad. Hide it. Perform louder. And the gap keeps growing between who I think I am and who I need you to believe I am. I can’t let you close to the hidden part. Because the hidden part is the proof of the script. So I perform. And you see the performance. And I feel completely alone. [PRE-CHORUS] Presence becomes impossible when you’re managing how you’re perceived. Not feeling. Reacting. Not connecting. Performing connection. Until you can’t anymore. [CHORUS] I am good. I am bad. I am good. I am bad. Both scripts. Same body. Same breath. Same moment. Performing one. Hiding one. Believing neither. Same hands. Same chest. Same breath. Splitting. Splitting. And running. And running. [VERSE] And I want to say something to the part of me that learned to perform. You were trying to survive. You performed your way to safety. I’m not angry at you. You were so small. And the script was so loud. And performing goodness felt like the only way to make the bad parts matter less. I see you. I see what you were doing. [PRE-CHORUS] But I can’t do it anymore. Not the performing. Not the hiding. Not the gap between who I am and who I need you to believe I am. And everything gets very quiet. Just me. No script. No role. No audience. Just me. [CHORUS] I am not the script. I am not the split. I am not the performance or the thing it was hiding. I am the one who was watching the whole time. Presence. Remembering something it had almost forgotten. Not good. Not bad. Not performing. Not hiding. Just here. Just this. Just here. [BRIDGE] And then Like eyes adjusting to a light that was always on. Not a thought. Not a realization. Just A light. That was always there. You just couldn’t see it from inside the dream. And in it nothing to prove. Nothing to hide. Nothing running. [CHORUS] I am not the script. I was never the script. I am the one who believed it until I didn’t. And the part that performed I see you. I know why you did it. You were trying to bring me home. [breath] You were trying to bring me home. [OUTRO] Someone handed me a story. I believed it. I performed around it. I hid inside it. And then one day I woke up. And put it down. Just here. Just this. Just me.