Red Velvet Blues (The "Outlaw Queen" Version)

Verse 1

The saloon doors swing, but nobody speaks

She hasn’t seen a carb in over three weeks

The mood is heavy, the air is dry

She’s got the "Don’t You Look At Me" glint in her eye

One hand on her hip, the other on a snack

If you value your life, you better step back!

Chorus

Oh, she’s riding through the Red Velvet Blues

In her fuzzy socks and her walking shoes

The ibuprofen’s gone, the heating pad’s hot

She’s fighting a war on a ten-acre lot

Ay-ay-ay! The hormones are loose!

She’s the Queen of the Red Velvet Blues.

Verse 2

The villain is "Cramps," a low-down thief

Who specializes in targeted, localized grief

He rides into town just to stir up a fuss

But she’s got a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or bust!

She’ll take down the bandits, she’ll settle the score

Then she’ll nap for a century... or maybe some more.

Bridge

(The music shifts suddenly to a light, bouncy Latin rhythm. Snap your fingers!)

Is she happy? (Maybe!)

Is she crying? (Could be!)

Is she gonna eat that whole tray of tacos? (Si, señor!)

She’s a legend of the West, a lady of might

Just give her the remote and turn off the light!

Outro

(The dramatic whistle returns, getting quieter)

Go on, partner... bring her the heating pad.

Careful... easy does it...

(Sound of a door gently closing and a bag of chips opening)

That’s a good lad.