(Verse 1 - The First Home)
(Music is quiet, just a synth pulse)
First home, I was with my sister
Thought, "maybe this is it"
I remember all the family meetings in the den
Right before the world split
I cried a lot after they let us go
("Wanna do more as a family...")
How to process a "goodbye"?
I just learned how to cry
And I learned that even when you're good...
...you still have to pack.
(Verse 2 - The Second Home)
(Beat starts to build)
Second home, God, I tried to be good
(I tried so hard...)
Did every chore, smiled when I was told I should
But that house was full of blame
Full of mistrust and fear
The daughter got jealous of the attention
(Just for me bein' here...)
It was a Black family... in a different world
(I still feel it...)
And I learned that you can be "the problem"
Just by being a girl.
That's when I built the fortress...
(That's where I got fortified...)
I locked my soul inside.
(Chorus - Beat Drops)
By the time I was 12, I had a 40-year-old soul
(So old, so old...)
I knew how to lose, I knew how to not lose control
I kept my bags unpacked, right by the bedroom door
'Cause I learned that "forever"
Doesn't live here anymore.
Yeah, 12-year-old me...
Still a girl with unpacked bags
That nobody else could see.
(Verse 3 - The Adoption)
(Beat and synths continue)
Then I was 12... and they threw me a party
(It was weird lol...)
Called it an "adoption shower"
For a 12-year-old "shorty"
A shower's for a baby, with no story yet
(No past, no regrets...)
I was a 12-year-old survivor, tryin' to forget
All the foster homes, all the goodbyes
Standin' there with presents...
(So weird...)
With my 40-year-old eyes.
(Chorus - Beat Drops Harder)
By the time I was 12, I had a 40-year-old soul
(So old, so old...)
I knew how to lose, I knew how to not lose control
I kept my bags unpacked, right by the bedroom door
'Cause I learned that "forever"
Doesn't live here anymore.
Yeah, 12-year-old me...
Still a girl with unpacked bags
That nobody else could see.
(Bridge - Music Drops to Just Synths)
(Vocals are intense, processed)
My adopted family is white
And they chose me as a Black girl
And you, Mom... you made my race a bigger deal
You'd be a "Karen" on vacation, and I'd feel so small
(So small...)
Then you'd fight the dance teacher in front of 'em all
(Right in the lobby...)
'Bout the "nude" leotard... 'Bout the "bouncy hair"
You were "standin' up for me"... but I just wasn't there.
(I was so mortified...)
It's a different kind of "belonging"
A different kind of "why?"
To be "protected" but feel "other"
Right before their very eyes.
(Final Chorus - Explosive)
(Drums, Bass, Synths - everything in)
By theTime I was 12, I had a 40-year-old soul
(So old, so old...)
I knew how to lose, I knew how to not lose control
I kept my bags unpacked, right by the bedroom door
'Cause I learned that "forever"
Doesn't live here anymore.
Yeah, 12-year-old me...
(She's still in here...)
Still a girl with unpacked bags...
And she's still... so... scared.
Eyepiercinglove
