Sitting here in the edge of this couch looking at this portrait I just drove a tiger damn it looks so realistic it looks so bomb it's about 5 ft tall canvas what is it that I'm doing that I cannot have that part of me to stand up like I thought nowadays it's hard to find a person like me but why are people like thinking that it's okay to do things that is not okay with me I'm tired I look at myself in the mirror I can't even be there for myself how am I going to expect someone else to respect me and be there for me if I can't do that I'm looking at how my skin texture looks dehydrated and how I have black circles and I can't even like keep up with my beauty like I've just lost touch with my inner child that used to motivate me then find The beauty within me abandoned it a long time ago and honestly like I don't know why I was just trying to get approval from you know those other people I wanted to grow up I wanted to like stop being childish and I just left it behind and honestly I went through life without my inner child and now that accepting the fact that everybody is in concerned about me or like anything positive or a good intentions for me besides my family that I also left behind trying to be strong but it just broke me so now that I don't have anybody that I try to impress or I just realized that that they had no nothing to fill my life so I would just disappear but those that did me wrong try to break you so I'm just standing here like sitting on this couch like just on repeat over and over over thinking like what the f*** do I do like what am I doing like what what like without no motivation or anything no idea of what I want to do I just okay with being stuck it's like the end of a road is there and there's a stop sign and I just stop not able to see the other side but I'm not going to go try it try something new because it says stop so I'm just going to stop so I'm just sad laying down like getting depressed and I got this anxiety disorder he called agoraphobia. I don't know if that was from something that I built little by little by the past trauma that I went through but I'm just sitting here like I'm in this whole new city with nobody that I know that I know and everybody is I detached myself from everybody I'm by myself here like literally no friends no family just in this unit that I finally overcame homeless and thought lately by praying but then my inner child's didn't leave my side and I see it peeking because that's what motivates me to find motivation in myself to claim to take care of myself to try to like be mindful of me to take care of my body like yes I gain weight but my buddy got me through this dress and of course it's going to take effect like it's going to impact my body like it's going to change through all the stress it went through I I appreciate that it made me get here safely and in a good condition unlike before but I can't complain I still am able to stand speak and eat and sleep I'll never leave you again
