Alone With Hell & Heaven

Yeah…

Still here. Still breathing.

Still can’t tell if that’s mercy… or punishment.

I got ghosts in my closet with God on the floor,

Screaming, “Open the door!” while I’m bolting it more.

Praying hands cracking, I’m shaking the ceiling—

But the silence hits harder than anything healing.

Told myself rage is a weapon I mastered,

Now I’m dragging that blade through a house full of pastors.

Flesh full of verses, mouth full of sin,

I spit Psalms like curses and bleed from within.

Mirror’s a jury, my thoughts are a cell—

Every “Amen” feels more like a farewell.

Tried therapy. Tried churches. Tried pills and confession.

But all I ever got was alone with the question.

What do you do when the voices are louder

Than the love they say you’re owed?

I keep one foot in the fire—

And the other on a golden road.

I’ve been alone with Hell and Heaven,

Screaming at both, “Just pick a side!”

I lit my hope like it was kindling,

Just to watch it burn alive.

Torn between a cross and chaos,

One hand clenched and one raised high—

I’ve been alone with Hell and Heaven,

Asking which one’s been on my side?

I don’t want peace if it means pretending,

I’d rather bleed than fake the mending.

Everyone’s praying for light at the end—

But what if the tunnel was always a friend?

Pain taught me rhythm, taught me restraint,

Taught me the lines between sinner and saint.

I ain’t a hero, I ain’t a victim—

Just a voice in the dark with a broken system.

Tell me, if faith is a war, who’s winning?

If grace is a gift, why’s guilt still grinning?

Tried to run, but my shadow’s armed—

Wears my doubt like it’s body armor.

I don’t need a choir—

I need silence that sings!

I don’t want a savior—

I want meaning with wings!

I don’t wanna be fixed—

I just want to feel whole!

Stop burying shame

In a suit for my soul!

I’ve been alone with Hell and Heaven,

Making peace with both their lies.

Lit my faith like it was gasoline—

Watched it rise into the sky.

Still torn between a cross and chaos,

Still breathing through the fight—

I’ve been alone with Hell and Heaven…

And maybe that’s my right.