Hunger under my skin

Sunrise on my tongue, taste of normal for a minute

Tiny little rituals, trying to feel like I still fit in

Laugh lines on my face feel painted on with shaking hands

Smile in the mirror like a stranger in a borrowed skin, hoping it withstands Coffee in my palms just to keep my fingers from the tremors

Joking with the people at my table like I’m better

Teeth behind my lips feel heavier with every word I fake

Every heartbeat whispering, “how much longer till you break?”

I keep my eyes down, count the cracks in the floor

Anything to not see what I’m turning into anymore

Tell myself if I starve it long enough, it’ll die

But it’s breathing down my spine every time I blink my eyes

If I bite my tongue till it fills my throat

Will it drown out the hunger under my bones?

If I chain my hands, if I never touch

Can I be something more than the fear I’ve become?

If I tear out this need, will there be anything left of me?

Or am I only human when I’m starving quietly?

Neon on the pavement, rain turns every shadow into teeth

Windows turn to mirrors and I hate the thing that’s looking back at me

Footsteps in the alley, heartbeat walking just a little slow

I press myself against the bricks and choke, “please, just let them go” Fingernails are carving little half-moons in my wrist

Every breath is gasoline, my ribs a flint that wants to twist

I hear a voice that sounds like mine but colder in my head

Say, “If you don’t feed it now, we’re both as good as dead”

I keep my eyes closed, pray the urge will pass

But it’s scraping at my throat like broken glass

Tell myself if I turn and walk away, I’ll win

But the monster wears my heartbeat like a violin

If I bite my tongue till it fills my throat

Will it drown out the hunger under my bones?

If I chain my hands, if I never touch

Can I be something more than the fear I’ve become?

If I tear out this need, will there be anything left of me?

Or am I only human when I’m starving quietly?

I don’t wanna know how good it feels

To give in, to stop fighting, to let it kill

But the shaking stops in every dream

When I lean into the red and finally breathe There’s a choir in my marrow, singing “feed, feed, feed”

And the louder that I fight it, the more it sounds like me

If I open up my hands and let the halo fall

Will I stand on my own legs or even stand at all?

…

I GIVE IN

Sink my teeth in the dark, feel the silence break

Every color in my head turns to silver and grey

All the noise in my veins finally starts to slow

As the hunger in my chest whispers, “told you so” I’m not biting my tongue, I’m tearing through bone

Become the very shadow I was running from alone

If I feed this need, there’s less of me to bleed

Maybe I’m only human when I let the monster breathe. “told you so”