My father’s reflection

I still wake up and have to make the choice to not be a slave to my own noise cause that shit sounds like a broken toy, oh.. oh! Oh… oh…

You say I can tell you’ve had a good day but you can’t see what it had to take cause it ain’t natural for me now I gotta try and see the sun when it shining cause to me I’m still drowning in the deep sea. I know how to swim but I had to teach myself when I was to young to even know how. To swim… to swim…. I fake the swim until I sink beneath the weight til the light grows dim. It grows dim..

You try to lift my chin but I make so hard when I fake a grin you think that I’m okay but I’m struggling to win. To win. He wouldn’t let me win he liked the sound of the ball hitting the rim, like every thud meant he got to stay the one who always wins. He wins.

I’ll try! To make it easier than just a fight! I try! But I struggle everyday to keep from pushing everyone away trying not to be the weight on top of me! I hurt the people I love most because I don’t know how to treat them better than I treat myself. I guess that makes me my father’s child yet I fear the mirror most scared I’ll see his habits living in my bones. I fight it everyday only causing myself even more pain.

Yet through the corroded terrain I find my way I hide behind my past in order to avoid repeating or re-teaching, or reminding myself of what I soon could become. I won’t, I won’t, so I still wake up everyday having to make a choice to fight the noise in my head that cause that shit sounds like a broken toy.

I’m not a broken toy, if you wind me up I don’t just play the games that you enjoy. I make no noise I just spin gracefully and quietly until my anxiety loses all control.