Fear

It's a norm, it's a rule, it's different. Don't be good, or do we all have to be the same, do we have to mirror each other? I don't want to be a mirror. I want to be me. I don't want rules. I don't want norms. I want to live without gossip, without whispers, I want to be accepted. Sometimes it feels like the ground is opening up, like the snow is ash, it's right, give me an answer so I know I'm wrong.

It's like thunder rolling, when it comes it rolls over everything. Everything is silent, no sound, no resonance. It rolls over me like a wave. Even when it goes, it slams back. It pulls me away. I thought it was gone, but it's a part of me, and it will always be a part of me. I can't run away from it. I have to face it. I alone have this battle in my head, even if everything else suggests otherwise. I feel alone. I am afraid of you. Why disgust, shame, fear?

It's like thunder rolling, when it comes it rolls over everything. Everything is silent, no sound, no resonance. It rolls over me like a wave. Even when it goes, it slams back. It pulls me away.

Why can't I be who I am? I am afraid, I fought against this thought and won. But it wasn't dead. I am still afraid of it. I want to live, and yet it is tempting. It would all be over, everything would end. No stress, no thoughts, no foam, no self-testing, no ugliness, no wrong decisions. It's quick, and afterwards I feel nothing, I could go crazy because everything is so hard and you act as if I were the centre of the universe.

It's like thunder rolling, when it comes it rolls over everything. Everything is silent, no sound, no resonance. It rolls over me like a wave. Even when it goes, it slams back. It pulls me away.

You act as if I were perfect, which I'm not, and yet you still hold me, you're still with me, you still put me at the centre, why? I don't talk to you out of fear. Out of fear that you'll leave, out of fear that I'll destroy everything with my self-hatred. I know that I struggle too much with myself, that I am too secretive. Why does it feel like the sky is falling? Am I trapped or lost in my own past? I feel the cut, the heat, everything flows, everything becomes calm, everything falls silent. Finally, peace. Now I am no longer afraid, because you take me in your arms.